the missing scenes
by Ira4
Summary: Rollaro missing scenes we want to see. One shots.
1. Holden's Manifesto

Just a short one shot after Holden's Manifesto. Had to be written.

Of course I don't own the characters.

* * *

A shower.

That was only thing on Amanda's mind walking out of the school. People were talking to her, asking her questions and she answered everything. As best as she could.

But she really wanted to get the blood off of her face.

It dried on her face and she didn't want to feel it, she wanted to wash it away, the way it felt, the way it tasted.

She had him, she had Holden and they shot him. He deserved to go to prison, but they didn't have to shoot him, she had him.

But now she wanted a shower.

Needed a shower.

"Yeah, ok" she said, Olivia told her something and she agreed, not completely sure what she agreed to.

"You're coming?" Fin asked.

"What?" Amanda looked at him.

"Liv just said I was taking you home" he gave her a worried look.

"Sure" she smiled at him.

They walked over to his car, she turned around for a moment before walking inside. Nick was staring at her, she could see the concern in his eyes.

A shower.

* * *

She took two showers.

The first one was to get the blood and disgust off of her. Watching the bloody water go down the drain.

The second shower was a couple of minutes later, she wrapped the towel around her body but it didn't feel good enough.

So she had to take another one, this time it was longer, and better.

It made her feel good, calmer.

She got dressed quickly and walked to the kitchen.

"Wanna eat something?" she asked Frannie and poured food into her bowl. Frannie walked to the bowl and Amanda watched her eating for a while.

"My turn" she said, half to herself and half to Frannie. She made her self a sandwich but after a couple of bites she didn't feel hungry anymore.

There was a knock on the door. Something inside of her wanted to just stay in the room, pretend she wasn't home. But she had a feeling it wouldn't be enough.

She walked to the door and looked through the peephole, she wasn't surprised.

"Amanda" he said once the door opened.

"Hey" she smiled, they stood there for a moment.

"Can I come in?" he asked her.

"Of course" she moved so he could walk into the apartment and once inside she closed the door.

"You ok?" he was looking at her with that concerned look of his.

"Already told you I'm fine" she smiled and he walked over to her.

"Amanda" he reached her hand, his eyes focused on hers.

"You don't think I'm ok?" she asked.

"I'm glad you're safe" he grabbed a hold of her hand gently, she didn't fight.

"I'm really fine Nick" she gave him a reassuring smile "I mean it"

"Good" he smiled at her, moving a little closer "it's not true"

"What isn't true?" her smiled turned from reassuring to questioning.

"What he'd said" now her smile faded and her eyes swayed to look at something behind him "you are not a notch or…"

"I know Nick, it's fine" now she moved away, letting his arm drop "we've talked about it, it's ok"

"It's no ok" he tried to get near her again "what we've talked about, it's in the past, and it's not like that for me anymore"

Amanda looked at him again, but she didn't talk.

"I care about you, I _really_ care about you Amanda, it's more than just sex between us, much more" his hand reached hers again and she let him hold it.

She was still silent, but now she moved and wrapped her arms around him, he was a bit caught off guard but a second later he embraced her and placed his head over hers.

His shirt got a little moist, he realized she was crying and his hands softly caressed her back until she calmed down.

"I should go to sleep" she whispered into his chest "we have a long day tomorrow" she said and pulled away so she could look at him "will you stay with me?"

"Of course" he said, happy to see the smile forming on her lips, this smile looked like a happy smiled.

"Come on" he whispered and carried her to her bed. She rested her head on his chest and he had his arms wrapped around her. They fell asleep quickly, it was a tiring day, sleep felt good.

His arms felt good, he made her feel better than any shower could.


	2. Pornstar's Requiem

_**I've decided to make this fic into one shots of missing scenes. I don't know if I'm going to write one after every episode, but we'll see.**_

_**The one shots will have nothing to do with one another. **_

**_Enjoy : )_ **

* * *

The sun was rising as Nick made his way out of the airport. He'd wanted to spend as much time with Zara as he could so he had to take a red eye to New York. But it was worth it, spending time with his daughter was priceless, and he didn't care that he'd have only a couple of hours to sleep before he had to be back at work.

He called Amanda from the airport, before he boarded the flight. These last days in Cali he'd really missed her and he wanted to hear her voice.

But she sounded a bit off, she asked about his time with his daughter and he was happy to tell her, but when he asked her how she was doing he could hear something was wrong.

She said she was fine, but he'd known her long enough to know when she was lying, most of the time at least.

It was as if he could hear another layer to her voice,

There was just something in the way she said the word _fine_, when she really wasn't.

He asked her if she was sure and she insisted everything was fine, he didn't probe, he'd read about the case the squad had been working on and figured it had something to do with that. Things went bad and he knew it affected her. She was working hard to prove herself and things weren't going too well lately, with the Holden case and now this.

He took a cab home and put the suitcase in the bedroom, he'd unpack it later. Nick looked at the clock, if he leaves now he'd make it in time to meet her.

There was a place not far from Amanda's apartment where she went to every morning with Frannie.

He just had to see her.

Nick wasn't wrong, Amanda was sitting on a bench with Frannie next to her. She must have noticed him approach since she ran straight to him, catching Amanda off guard.

She turned to see Nick petting Frannie. Nick looked at her at the same moment and she looked very surprised to see him.

"Come on girl" he said and walked with Frannie back to the bench.

"Hey" she said as he sat down next to her "what are you doing here?"

"Well" he answered, looking at her "I wanted to see you"

She smiled at his answer, but then her eyes squinted a little and he knew what was on her mind.

"I was kind of worried"

"Worried?" she asked and he nodded.

"You sounded not so _fine_ on the phone and I just wanted to see you"

She let out a barely there chuckle and looked away, biting her lip a bit "it's ok" she said after a moment of silence.

"Tough one?" he asked.

"You know" she looked at him and unconsciously scooted a little closer "they all are, but sometimes there's at least some sort of closure, maybe even some justice but not this time" she shrugged "when we went to see her in New Hampshire, there was just nothing in her eyes, you know?" she went quiet again so he nodded, figuring she might be waiting for him to acknowledge her words "there was only emptiness in them and I just…there was nothing I could have done, but…" she shrugged again.

"I get it" he nodded.

"Sometimes I just wonder if it's worth it, if it makes a difference" she looked away and sighed.

"I think we all do" Nick replied "so many times things don't turn out for the best, but then there's this one case where it does, and you help someone and you make a difference, and that's worth it"

Amanda looked at him, she had a little smile now "I'm gonna give you this pep talk when you have a crappy case"

"Deal" He chuckled

"We should get back" she got up and he did the same "you're not gonna have time to sleep"

"Don't worry about it" he smiled at her.

They walked towards his car quietly, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. They were both happy to just be close to each other.

"I'll see you later then" she said when they were standing next to the vehicle.

"Not soon enough" he gave her a huge smile and she burst into a laugh. Her free hand reached the back of his head and pulled him in for a kiss.

They had rules against it, no public affection whatsoever, they did not want to get caught. But right now she really wanted, and needed, to feel him next to her, his lips against hers.

They pulled away quickly though, and Amanda waved as she and Frannie walked towards her building.

Nick got into his car and watched them for a couple of minutes. He didn't feel tired anymore, maybe kisses can wake you up.


	3. Glasgowman's Wrath

**_Sunday, November 2_**

"Good girl" Amanda patted Frannie. They've just got back from a walk, it's been a long day and tomorrow was going to be a long one too.

"You're thirsty, ha?" she asked Frannie, who walked to the empty bowl. Amanda picked it up and was about to fill it with water when there was a knock at the door. She gave Frannie a 'who might that be?' look and walked over so she could check.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" She was genuinely surprised to see Nick at her door. They had their hands full with this case and she didn't expect him to come by, especially with out calling first.

"We didn't plan to…" maybe they had plans and she'd forgotten?

"No, no" he walked in "well I kinda wanted to talk to you"

"Oh" she said, walking to the kitchen so she could fill Frannie's bowl "listen, I don't know if you're upset or anything because Benson asked me to choose who interrogates Dorsey but I really don't feel like talking about that" she looked at him, turning the faucet off "or if it's about me not wanting to go to the hospital, I'm too exhausted for that, I'm gonna take a quick shower and go to sleep" she walked back to the living room and placed the bowl on the floor so Frannie could drink.

"I know I wasn't happy about that but I get it" he said "you made the right call and I trust you" he walked over to her "I trust you, and it's not about that"

"Ok" she said quietly waiting for him to speak.

He took a deep breath and looked into her eyes for a moment "California was…I said confusing earlier" he referred to the brief mention earlier that day at the hospital "but it was more than just that"

Amanda nodded, she knew how hard it was for him to have his daughter so far away.

"She loves it there and I'm happy she's happy but I feel like it means she's never gonna be back" it wasn't easy for him to say the words, even though they were looking for the missing girls he couldn't stop thinking about how different his relationship with his daughter was going to be, how it would always be long distance and how much he missed her living with him.

He felt Amanda's hand on his, pulling him gently to the couch.

"I know it's tough on you" she sat down close to him "I know how much you love her" he looked at her with a sad smile on his face.

"The most important thing is that she knows that, she knows you love her, she knows you will always be there for her, even if you are here"

She let her hand rest on his shoulder "you are a good dad"

He turned a bit to face her and grabbed a hold of her hand, he didn't say anything, but she could see the uncertainty in his eyes "you are, she knows it and she loves you"

He smiled at her, squeezed her hand a little.

"I should go to bed" Amanda said after a couple minutes had passed.

"Yeah, of course" he let go of her hand go but stayed on the couch.

Amanda got up "I'm gonna take a quick shower" she let him know "Nick, if you want to you can stay and sleep here but we have to get early tomorrow" she gave him a look that meant there will be nothing but sleep if he was going to accept her offer.

"I'd like that" Nick smiled and stood up "hey" he said before she got a chance to go to the bathroom.

"Yeah?" she turned and smiled at him.

"Just one thing" he said, not looking too serious "did you really rather face an unknown suspect than dead with Liv?"

She chuckled "maybe" she shrugged, turning back so she could take that shower.

* * *

She walked out a few minutes later, Nick was sitting on the floor petting Frannie.

"I just realized I've got another suit in the trunk but I don't have another tie" he got up, moving closer to her. She smelled so good after that shower.

She smiled at him and kissed his lips "just wear this one, I doubt anyone would notice" he grinned at her and leaned in for another taste of her lips.

* * *

_This was another little missing scene, it takes place before they find the missing girls. I thought Nick's tie looked very similar on November 2__nd__ and November 3__rd__ so I decided it was the same tie…_

_Hope you enjoyed, can't wait for the next episodes._

_And I'm working on my other fics, hope to update soon._


	4. Chicago Crossover

_This was a pretty Rollaroless episode(s). But I won't let that discourage me and not write the missing scenes, in NY and Chicago._

_Hope you like it : )_

* * *

_**New York**_

* * *

_November 8_

* * *

"We get it"

"Totally"

Amanda and Nick exchanged another look when they were at their desks. They were only working together too, when they were at work.

But when they weren't at work, it was something else.

"I think I'm gonna head out soon" Nick said "it's been a long day"

"Yeah" she nodded, rubbing her face a bit "I need to get some sleep"

He gave her a questioning look and she replied with a tiny smile, making sure nobody else noticed it.

Nick waited a few minutes after Amanda had left, he drove to her apartment and saw her waiting for him by the entrance to her building.

"Hey" he smiled at her, happy to see Amanda standing there, even though it took just a couple of minutes to get inside her apartment he was glad to spend them with her.

Once inside her apartment Amanda wasted no time and kissed him after he locked the door. It felt good to have his lips against hers, his tongue entwine with hers. At work they could barely get away with slight touches, his knee grazing hers, her fingers brush over his handing him a file, standing closer to each other than usual.

But when they were alone at her or his place, it was different. They didn't have to be careful.

His hands were playing in her hair and he had a smile when they pulled away.

"Want something to eat?" Amanda asked, not walking away from him.

"No" he shook his head, his hands moved down her body, reaching her back "I'm beat, let's go to bed, ok?"

She gave him another kiss, a quick one this time. She wanted to sleep too, and doing that next to Nick sounded like the only thing she could want right now.

After changing into more comfortable clothes they got inside her bed and she moved as close to Nick as she could. He wrapped his arms around her and soon after that they fell asleep.

* * *

_November 9_

* * *

When Nick woke up he was in bed alone. He stretched a little, wondering where was Amanda. He got dressed and walked to the living room.

She wasn't there but since he couldn't see or hear Frannie, he figured she must have taken her out. Nick fixed some breakfast quickly and just when he was done they both walked through the door.

"Morning" he greeted her.

Amanda smiled at him and took off her jacket "hey" she grabbed a piece of bread from the plate in front of Nick.

"You could have woken me up"

"You looked kinda cute, didn't wanna bother you" she smiled and took a bite of the food.

"Kinda, huh?" he grinned at her.

They ate silently for a while but then Nick spoke again "I didn't get a chance to ask you, but you ok with all this?" she looked at him with out answering "It's personal for Lindsay, it's a sibling and…"

She let out a soft chuckle "I know how it's like to have a complicated family" Amanda shrugged "I'm alright, focused on the case"

He nodded.

"Speaking of that" she checked the time "we better get going"

Nick put the dishes in the sink and said goodbye to Frannie. He gave Amanda another slow and passionate kiss.

It would have to last for a while.

* * *

They were back at her apartment later that night, they got to the boy, at least they managed to save him.

"You didn't tell me about their interrogation tactics" he told her "Voight he…" Nick didn't have to proceed, Amanda knew he was referring to Voight beating the security guard.

"When Fin and I were there they took a suspect to this _cage_" Nick eyes widened a little "yeah"

"And?"

"And he told them what they wanted to know" she replied.

"Really?" he nodded and Amanda gave him a questioning look.

"You think you'd do better with a cage?" she had a very serious expression, it was no secret Nick had anger issues, he's been working on it, but it was there, and Amanda wondered if Nick might do something violent again.

He looked at her, she didn't take her eyes off him "no" he said simply "I don't want that"

"Good" she smiled.

* * *

_**Chicago**_

* * *

"Yeah, I know, ok, have a good night…yeah you too, bye" Nick hung up the phone. Liv just called him to find out about the investigation. Unfortunately, the news he had to share with her was all bad. One man killed himself in front of Amanda and another fell off a building in front of Nick. They made no progress.

He noticed he couldn't hear the sound of the water from the shower anymore. He got up and walked towards the shower.

The door was closed but not locked so he knocked on it.

She opened it just a second later, a towel wrapped around her body. He forgot what he was about to say, she looked so beautiful that for a moment nothing mattered, there was nothing in the world except for the two of them.

Amanda smiled at him and he moved closer to her, caressing her cheek. When not even an inch separated them he kissed her. Tasting her lips, loving the way her skin felt, still not completely dry. He let her tongue enter his mouth and only the need to breath forced their mouths to separate.

But it wasn't for too long. Just a few seconds later Nick kissed her again, with just as much passion. Her arms were wrapped around his neck and he just needed to be closer to her. He lifter her in his arms and made the short way from the bathroom to the bed without letting her go.

He didn't want to, but had to let her mouth go so she could lie down, but the moment she was on her back his lips caught hers.

No matter how bad the cases would get, how complicated things in his life would be, Nick had Amanda and she had him.

No matter what, being with her made everything else disappear. Everything, except for the love in his heart.

* * *

_Hope next week's episode is going to have more Rollaro love, and if it won't have enough – I will just add a lot of it in next week's fic._

_Let me know what you thought. _


	5. Spousal Privilege

**Spousal Privilege**

_Thank you so much for your feedback, it really means a lot. _

_So I've been asked to update this chapter fast and I have to admit, with all the rumors going around I've been thinking about so many ways this could have gone. I hope you like the way I'm going with this. _

* * *

"So they found him guilty" Nick said, Amanda was making her self coffee, and he took something out of the fridge. Not long ago they were in the exact same position, but the only thing they said to each other way "hey", so maybe this was progress.

"Yeah" she nodded "I heard" she glanced at him and turned her attention back to the cup.

He stayed there for a while, opened the door and closed it for no reason.

"I think maybe we should talk" he finally said, he turned to her and she nodded.

The squad room was pretty quiet now, Liv had left not long ago and Fin was out too.

Nick and Amanda walked to the bunks, there wasn't any other room that was private. They didn't say it but they were both thinking the same thing, about the fight they had there all that time ago. It seemed like a life time ago, Nate, and what had followed.

Once the door was closed and it was just the two of them, alone, it felt awkward. They had to work together, they couldn't ignore what had happened.

Or maybe they could?

"Listen Nick" Amanda started, she looked down for a moment but then her eyes focused on him "you want me to say I'm sorry, ok" she smiled "I'm sorry I pushed you like that" she shrugged.

"Ok" he searched for other words, not sure what he should say.

"Ok" she repeated, nodding a little. She looked away, what was she expecting him to say?

"I don't know what you want me to say" it felt as if he read her mind and she looked at him "Amanda I…I mean, one moment everything's fine and then you just…" he couldn't, or wouldn't, find the words to describe what had happened in the bar.

"Maybe this is it" she said "everything's not fine, not with me, not with you…" she was about to say _not with us_ when he interrupted.

"What are you talking about?"

"I told Liv, just before you got back here, that you were taking anger management seriously" she let out a small chuckle, he kept his eyes on her "but I wonder if that's true" she walked over to the door and leaned on it "do you think you're less angry? Cause I'm not so sure and" she could tell he wanted to say something but she wasn't don't talking so she raised her hand a little so he would wait "and I know you're not going to hit me, it's not about that"

"Then what is about?" he managed to say.

"Are you going to do it to someone else? Cause we will have another case like that" she didn't need to say it, he knew what case she was talking about "and you're gonna hurt someone and get into trouble and I'm gonna…"

She stopped talking and Nick waited for her to continue.

"You're gonna what?"

"Nothing" she shook her head a little "just worry about you" it felt as if she was hiding something, but Nick couldn't think of any reason for her to do that.

"When Maria called you I…" she took a deep breath "I guess I wonder if you want to change, because you want to help me, right? That's how we…" she smiled bitterly "you want to save me?" the smile faded and she looked a little sad now.

Nick shook his head a bit "Amanda" he said, searching for words again "honestly, I don't know where this is coming from, this case? Because you think it should stay between them? I mean, I'm just not sure what's going on"

"Yeah" she looked down on the floor again "maybe it's just the case" she tried to keep any emotion out of her voice "maybe I can understand that from now on everyone will see her as the victim, nothing else, so maybe I got too upset about it" she moved from the door and walked towards one of the bunks "I shouldn't have let it get to me" Nick gave her a confused look.

"Listen Amanda" he said "I'm not a saint, I'm not a savior, and I don't know what we have" he moved closer to her "yeah, I got issues, we both do" he looked at her "and yeah, I'm not going to say I'm not angry about what happened at the bar, cause you shouldn't have done that, and I don't know what you wanted me to do, and I want to tell you that I'm not going to hurt you but somehow I feel like I already have and I don't know what we're supposed to do here" his voice got quieter as he spoke "between us"

They were so close to each other now.

"Neither do I" she whispered.

They stood there for a while, looking at each other, trying to figure out what to say.

Nick was mad at her, he didn't like the way she acted in the bar, but was it just about the case? Was it about Maria?

_She doesn't want to be a victim._

That's what she said before she pushed him.

_She doesn't want to be a victim. _His eyes narrowed. Who was she talking about? It wasn't Paula, he was pretty sure about it, but what was it really about then?

She moved backwards after a while and Nick just watched her.

"We better…" she pointed at the door, if Fin was back he'd wonder where they both were.

"Amanda, maybe someday we could figure it out" Nick said, talking about whatever it was between them "but until we do, I'm here"

She nodded "me too".

They exchanged another look, a softer one, before leaving the room. That look, even though it wasn't accompanied with words, said everything.

It wasn't over.

* * *

_I think this is more realistic than a make up+ make out scene. I hope that in future episodes Nick will be there for Amanda and they will work things out. _


	6. Pattern Seventeen

**Pattern Seventeen**

* * *

Nick was feeling better, he's been sick for a few days and there was no way he could help his squad.

He had just finished washing the dishes and was about to watch a game on t.v when he heard a knock. No one was supposed to come over and it was pretty late. Nick walked to the door and was surprised to see Amanda. She was wearing her running clothes and Frannie was with her.

"Come on in" Nick opened the door, it took Amanda a moment before she walked into his house and Frannie followed. She looked a little tired, a bit sweaty, like she'd been running for a long time.

"Can I offer you something to drink?" he asked after a while, the silence was making him uncomfortable.

"No, but maybe you could get some water for Frannie?" she looked at the dog.

"Sure" Nick took a plastic bowl and filled it with water.

"Thanks" Amanda gave him a little smile as Frannie walked to the bowl.

"So is everything okay?" he really had no idea what to say, they didn't exactly clear the air since the bar fight, and here she was in his place, looking somewhat rattled.

"Amanda?" he asked.

"Can I talk to you?" she finally said.

"Of course"

Amanda smiled, she felt so self conscious, everything felt real and unreal at the same time. She was in Nick's place, could she tell him the truth? He had a concerned look on his face, his beautiful eyes looking at her. In that moment she wanted to be closer to him, to feel his arms around her, maybe that would make her feel better.

"You know" she started "Murphy told me that I had a blind spot for man in power" she looked down, Nick was just standing there, not taking his eyes off her.

"I think he was right in a way, I don't know if it's a blind spot as much as it's this need to know that someone in that position is not going to use it" her eyes met his, they were moist now "I just have this hope that these people are not going to abuse the power they have, not going to hurt someone because of it and I've been proven wrong so many times Nick" when she said his name Amanda moved a little closer to him.

"But it's like I can't let it go, I still want to believe that, because I…that's not how it worked for me" she looked away again and wiped her eyes with her left hand.

Nick walked even closer, he could hear her words but he wasn't sure how to react, he wasn't even sure what exactly she was saying.

But he remembered their fight, _She doesn't want to be a victim_, and now this, _that's not how it worked for me_…

A part of him understood while another was still in the dark. But looking at her now Nick couldn't leave her there, cause she was in a different darkness, she seemed so alone, and he was not going to walk away. She has been there for him, she was his first call from jail after he was arrested, she was the one to call the lawyer, to call Munch. Amanda has been there for him even when he was ready to give up.

And now she needs him, and no matter what, he will be there for her.

Nick wrapped his arms around her, held her close. Amanda wasn't crying, she hugged him back and then she spoke.

"I need to tell you Nick" she said "I need to tell you something that happened, to me, in Atlanta"

They pulled away and he looked into her eyes "Amanda, whatever it is, I'm here"

She nodded and took a little breath before speaking.

* * *

_Hope I'm not gonna have to make up more excuses for Nick's absence. Is he even in the next episode? _


	7. Forgiving Rollins

_It's been a long time since I've updated this fic, and I have to confess it might be a long time till I update it again, since Am__anda isn't going to be in the next 2 episodes and she's my favorite character._

_But I do think there's hope for Rollaro after this episode, not that I think the writers are going to give it to us (but we know what's really going on between the scenes!)_

* * *

Forgiving Rollins

* * *

As Nick made his way from the courthouse to the car he turned around for a second, just to see Amanda walk away.

_And, it's over_

That's what she said.

But it wasn't true, Nick has known Amanda for a long time now, and even though there were many times he couldn't read, or understand her, there were other times he could. She wanted to be strong, she always tried to be and if she couldn't – then she would at least appear strong. She would put on a mask, say everything was fine.

And of course, _she doesn't want to be a victim…_

The words were still ringing in his ears. Well, now it was clear, now the mask was off. Amanda doesn't want to be a victim. She didn't want the pity, the _I'm sorry_.

But what did he have to give her?

He did call her a few nights ago, offered to come by, if she wanted to talk or not to be alone. But Amanda was a lot like him in a way, she was stubborn, she didn't need anyone, she could handle everything by herself.

Well she shouldn't have to.

* * *

Amanda held Frannie's leash tightly, if she wouldn't have been wearing her gloves, her knuckles would probably white. Maybe they were. She had no idea. It didn't matter.

Does it matter if you can't see it? If you don't know?

Except that now everybody knows. They all know what Patton did to her, what she was willing to let him do.

She wanted to just forget about it, not to know it had happened. She was good at pretending, she was a good liar.

Her specialty – lying to herself.

Amanda took a deep breath of the cold air and let it out, the white cloud quickly dissolved into the darkness and she looked at Frannie who was busy sniffing something on the sidewalk.

"Let's go home" Amanda said.

* * *

Amanda was surprised to see the man leaning on the wall of the building, what was he doing there?

"Hey" he said when she was closer.

"Nick" Amanda smiled "what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see how you're doing" from the look on her face Nick figured she didn't want company.

"I'm fine" she smiled "you already know I'm taking some time off so…I'm fine"

"That's great" he nodded and looked down because Frannie, who was happy to see him, started sniffing his leg "look, I…I guess I wanted to see that you're ok because…"

"Because?"

Nick wasn't sure how to phrase it, she was vulnerable, but of course that's the last things she wanted to hear right now "because" he started "you say you're ok even when you're not"

Amanda looked down and then gave him a bitter smile "then I'm not fine" she added after a while.

"Is that what you wanted to hear?" her tone was a little irritated but Nick let it go.

"I want to hear the truth, whatever it is"

Amanda shrugged "the truth is…worthless"

"Not always"

"Listen Nick, I know you care, and I appreciate that, but, I'm getting cold and I want to go home"

"I just want you to know you're not alone" he tried, Amanda was hard to reach to, even though they were standing close to each other, it was as if there were oceans between them.

Amanda opened the door without saying anything and he watched as she walked inside. Nick wouldn't do anything against her will, and she didn't invite him in, but he wanted so bad to just tell her it would be ok, to make her believe it somehow.

Nick was about to leave when, suddenly, Amanda started to tremble a little, she was crying.

He pushed the door open and wrapped his arms around her. All the words he had planned to say disappeared, his mind was completely blank. He just held her and she pulled away after a while, her eyes were a little red and she wiped her face.

"I'm…" she started but Nick didn't want her to apologize.

"Don't say it" he shook his head, there was nothing for her to feel sorry about.

Frannie was now sniffing Nick again, the leash was on the floor, she must have dropped it when he hugged her. Nick reached for it and petted the dog.

"Can I walk you upstairs?" he suggested.

Amanda gave him a slight nod.

It has been a long time since Nick was at her place. Everything was the same, except for the two of them. He took the leash off of Frannie and gave her a quick pet before she walked away to chew on one of her toys.

Amanda watched as he petted Frannie, she really liked him. Whenever he came over she would sniff his feet as if he was hiding treats in there. The thought made her chuckle and the chuckle made Nick raise his eyes to her.

"Amanda" he started again, but she didn't really want to talk about it.

"Thanks for…that" she said.

"There's something I need to tell you" since she didn't react he kept on talking "I overhears Liv talking to the doctor, the psychiatrist" now she turned away from him "he told her you never showed up"

"Well I just don't like shrinks, ok?" she walked to the kitchen and tried to look busy opening drawers.

"I get it, but she is just worried about you, we all are"

"And I'm taking time off so I will be ok" she still kept her eyes hidden.

Nick watched as she tried to hide from him, it wasn't good enough though, and he wasn't going to let her get away with it

"I know you're lying" this got him a stare and it was better than nothing "I know you don't want us to know how you feel, I know you didn't want us to know about what had happened to you, I know that you didn't get the justice you deserved, that it's not over, I know it wasn't your fault…"

"You don't know anything" she shouted and slammed one of the drawers. Amanda smiled and walked towards him "it wasn't my fault?" he didn't react "no it wasn't" she nodded "it wasn't my fault that my dad left, wasn't my fault that my mom couldn't care less about us, wasn't my fault that my sister…did those things, wasn't my fault that he raped me"

Amanda had tears in her eyes again "none of this is my fault" she raised her voice again and pointed at herself "but I'm paying for it, and I have been for such a long time" she sounded defeated.

"You want to know how I feel like?" She didn't wait for a response "nothing, I feel like nothing. Nothing I do matters, nothing I do changes anything, I always end up in the same fucked up spot, always the same poor little Amanda, right? You know why I don't want to go to the shrink? I don't want to talk about it again, it's worthless Nick, I am so tired of thinking about it, of it echoing in my ears, all of it, I don't want to hear it anymore, I don't want to think about it, I want it to be gone, I want it to never have happened. But it doesn't work this way, does it?"

"Amanda…" he wanted to speak but she wasn't done.

"Nobody can make it disappear, and now every time Liv and Barba and Fin and you" she looked straight to his eyes when mentioning him "will look at me, you are going to see that poor Amanda, the pitiful Amanda, the 'it's not her fault' Amanda, the victim…"

"Enough" he said "you are right, it wasn't your fault and you were a victim. But what is that? A victim – it's just a word, letters and syllables. It is meaningless unless you give it a meaning. You know what I see when I look at you right now? I see a smart woman, I see a good detective, I see a friend, I see someone who cares about others more than she cares about, somebody who will do anything for the people she loves, somebody who deserves better than what life has dealt her. But you know what I also see?" he waited for her to give him a sigh she's listening so she nodded "I see someone who doesn't deserve pity, that's what you are afraid of, you don't want me to look at you and feel bad for you? Well I do, I feel bad that you had to go through all of this alone, but I don't pity _you_"

There were tears rolling down her cheeks and he wanted so bad to wipe them away, she just looked at him.

"Amanda, when we were in Chicago you've told me what you said to Erin, so please take your own advise, lean on your squad, lean _on me_" he emphasized the last words and slowly moved closer to her, still keeping his distance "you are in a fucked up spot Amanda, but you don't have to be alone, and I don't want you to be alone"

He stopped moving and locked his eyes with her "I care about you, I know we are nowhere right now, but I care, I'm here for you no matter what, no matter when. But I need to know you will let me be there, and if you don't want me then Fin, Liv, even Carisi…just don't lock this in and say you're fine, because Amanda, you are a good liar, and someday I'm scared I will believe it when it's not true"

Amanda finally wiped her face. She walked over to Nick and placed her palm on his chest, right above his heart. They stood there for a moment, Nick not sure what she was doing and Amanda, not very sure of that herself, but it felt good.

"Ok" she nodded "but right now, I need to breath, I need air, I don't know what else I need but when I know I will let you know, ok?"

Nick nodded, it was something.

They stood like that for a few more minutes when she said he should go, she walked away so he couldn't hug her goodbye. Nick opened the door and gave her a long look.

"Bye" he said.

"Bye" she smiled.

* * *

A few weeks later…

* * *

There was a knock at his door and Nick rushed to open it. Not that he was excited about visitors right now, not after the last days with all of the…

His mind went blank when he reached the door and saw her there.

"Hey" he opened the door.

"Hi" Amanda smiled.

* * *

_Hope you liked it, let me know. _


	8. Agent Provocateur

_I was not planning on writing a missing scene for this episode since they didn't even mention Amanda. But when I watched it I've notice that part of the investigation in this episode took place during Patton's trial. This is probably because __Agent Provocateur__ was supposed to air before Forgiving Rollins and the writers didn't even notice (they are not even wearing the same clothes), so it's kind of missing scenes for both of them. I just hope that one day the writers will give me something better to work with :-)_

* * *

_**Agent Provocateur**_

* * *

**January 7**

* * *

Nick listened to Patton's words "the real victim in all this is my wife…"

That jerk, acting like a remorseful husband while Amanda is sitting right there, feeling guilty and blaming herself for something Patton had done. He looked at Amanda, she tried to keep it together, but he could see it in her eyes, he watched her as they took him to the hospital, she looked so fragile and he had no idea what to do. She kept her charade of being ok even at the station, before Liv told her it wasn't a heart attack.

Olivia told Amanda to focus on the trial and stay away from their case. Nick hated those high profile cases, the people who think they are above the law because they have money or fame.

During Scott Russo's interrogation his mind often drifted to Amanda, she already left, looking very upset and he didn't get a chance to talk to her. He tried calling her after leaving but she wouldn't answer, didn't even text him back.

Nick took a quick shower and got into bed. He could feel the anger building up inside of him, he was angry at himself for not being able to help Amanda, for not being able to do something to fix this. They all knew that whatever happens, Patton's not going to get what he deserves. As Nick slowly fell asleep the only thing on his mind was how badly he wanted to hurt Patton.

* * *

**January 8**

* * *

If there was something Nick hated as much as the high profile suspects it was journalists who withheld evidence so they could use it for publicity and their own gain. Those people didn't care about the victim's rights.

And this jerk was protected by the New York press shield law, a part of him wanted Simmons to take a swing on him, just so he could take out some of his anger. Better yet, he wanted to take that bat and introduce it to Patton's face.

He hurried to the court to watch Patton's allocution. Nick knew Fin was going to be there but he wanted to be there for her too.

Amanda's reaction didn't put Nick at ease, even though the trial was over, he was certain it wasn't over for her. He wanted her to let someone in, to talk about it. She was going to take time off and then what? Be alone in her apartment? Think about it all of the time?

She didn't even want them to take her home, Nick felt useless again. But it wasn't about him.

* * *

**January 9**

* * *

"Hey, Fin" Nick followed him to the coffee station to get himself a drink "you spoke to Rollins?"

Fin gave Nick a look and nodded "I called her, she didn't say much"

Nick was about to ask something else when Barba and Olivia showed up with an update about Simmons, Nick was glad they got to arrest him.

He tried to focus on the case until he left the precinct. But the moment Nick sat down in his car he knew there was no way he'd drive home.

* * *

Nick didn't have to wait long for her to open the door, a part of him was surprised by the fact she let him in, but he wasn't going to complain.

"Hey" she said and walked towards the couch.

"I wanted to see how you're doing" he closed door "brought food"

Nick placed the bag with the take out on the counter.

"Well, since you brought food" Amanda smiled at him, but Nick could tell she was hiding a lot behind this expression.

"I've seen your fridge" he was a bit unsure what to say so he decided to stay on the lighter side for a while "you're hungry?"

Amanda shrugged "looks like you're famous now" he gave her a confused look "saw you on LMZ"

Nick chuckled and took out plates for the two of them "that guy's a jerk"

"What did you find about him?" Nick almost forgot that Amanda knew parts of the case and was now fishing for information, he just wasn't sure whether sharing would be the best thing for her at the moment.

He took out the food from the boxes and placed in on the plates, Amanda walked over to the kitchen to help him out.

"Well?" she repeated, wanting to know what was happening.

Nick decided to cave in and tell her, maybe she would share if he did.

"So you're planning to send Carisi and Fin in there with that guy?" she asked before taking a bite.

"Yes" Nick looked at her.

"I wish I could see that" she said quietly.

They finished eating in silence and placed the dishes on the table.

"So…" Nick stared at her, not sure how to proceed, he didn't want her to ask him to leave.

"So that's an interesting case" she looked away"

"It's a case" ignoring the elephant in the room was getting uncomfortable and Nick could almost feel the time running out before she says goodbye.

"How's time off?" he finally asked.

Amanda still kept her eyes away and shrugged "I miss working" she turned to him and asked about something about the case again.

"Forget about the case Amanda" he said "you're more important"

Their eyes met but neither said another word. He moved closer to her and placed his hand next to hers, but he wasn't going to touch her, he wanted her to feel in control.

"Amanda" he finally spoke "you can't keep everyone away and expect everything to turn out fine, you can't just sit at home and wait for it to go away"

"I know" she nodded.

"I know you know" he tried to smile but her reaction didn't make him feel better "I wish I knew what to say or what to do to help you through this"

"I don't need help" she got up and he followed her.

"Everyone does sometimes, you always feel like you need to be there for others, let me be here for you"

"Nick…"

"Don't tell me you're fine" he shook his head "tell me what you need me to do, what you want me to do to help you, just don't think you're alone"

Nick walked over to her while she seemed to be processing his words.

She shrugged and he was about to repeat his words when she spoke "can you just stay with me until I figure it out?"

Nick nodded and she closed the gap between them by resting her head on his chest.

He spent the night with her, she just slept in his arms and Nick hoped she felt safe in his embrace because being there for her made him feel exactly that.


	9. Padre Sandunguero

_So Amanda's gone for almost two weeks and no one mentions it… Maybe Nick should have taken the time off Liv offered him and join her wherever she is._

_And why must every character have an abusive father/mother? Now even Barba was beaten up as a child. Maybe Carisi has a normal family…_

_I have to say that this season is kind of boring, at least earlier I had some Rollaro to except to, but now there aren't even interesting cases, and Amanda isn't in every episode._

_But I will try to write these missing scenes as long as I can._

_The beginning of this chapter is the end of the missing scene for "Forgiving Rollins"_

* * *

Padre Sandunguero

* * *

There was a knock at his door and Nick rushed to open it. Not that he was excited about visitors right now, not after the last days with all of the…

His mind went blank when he reached the door and saw her there.

"Hey" he opened the door but remained standing in front of her, blocking the entrance. It has been almost two weeks and she hasn't called him, hasn't texted. He tried to reach out, left voicemails, texts. Then the whole thing with his father had started and he had to deal with it. So seeing her at his doorway was the last think he would have excepted.

"Hi" Amanda smiled and looked at him, wondering if he was going to let her in.

"You want to…" he moved and gestured at the living room, she walked in and turned to watch as he shut the door.

"How are you doing?" she looked concerned.

"I should be asking you that, I tried to…"

"I needed some time, Nick, that's all" she followed him to the living room but he didn't sit so she kept on standing, keeping some distance between them "how you've been?"

"Fine" he replied, trying to analyze whether she seemed better or not.

"I heard about your father" Nick chuckled and she looked at the floor for a second but raised her eyes back at him.

"I'm sure you did"

"I'm sorry" she moved a little closer to him "I'm sure it wasn't easy for you"

They both were quiet for a moment, neither sure what to say, both thinking exactly the same thing.

"Are you ok?" Nick finally spoke, he needed to know, needed to think about something else.

"I'm fine" her voice was flat, as if she'd rehearsed this line.

"Are you really ok?" he asked again, hoping for something more sincere.

"Are you?" she smiled at him, her look was somewhat daring and it made his hear skip a beat, her eyes were so expressive, as if he could have an entire conversation just looking into that blue, no matter how much time it would take, it would never be enough.

Nick let out a laugh "we're just gonna stand here and ask each other 'are you ok?'?"

Amanda shrugged "Are you _really_ ok?"

Another moment of silence had passed and Nick realized he would have to go first, the way she looked at him made him want to just let it go, let her know everything. He always felt like he had to keep his feelings bottled up, usually when he let them out it was expressed by anger. But now, he felt like she could understand him.

"No" he shook his head and she moved even closer, her hand touching his arm, just staying there for a few seconds and then moving up and down, gently rubbing him. Nick shook his head again and she moved her hand, but not for too long. Amanda wrapped her arms around him and he wrapped his around hers.

They had plenty of issues, more than one person deserves. But the hug made him feel like he could share them and he hoped it made her feel the same.

Neither wanted to let go and they stood like that for a while. When Amanda spoke she kept her hands around him and didn't move her head from his chest.

"Me too" she almost whispered and he tightened his hold.

The embrace worked like a remedy for the two of them, each had high walls, tough shell. But now was the time to lower those walls, crack that shell. It was time to let the other in and share some of the hurt. That hug finally made them feel strong enough to do that, at least try and start.

They both pulled away and sat down on the couch leaving only a small gap between their bodies, their knees almost touching. Nick started telling her about everything that had occurred during the last days with his father.

"So now my sister and my mother are mad at me" he concluded and added a sigh of disappointment.

"And he asked you to call him?" she asked.

"I'm not going to do that" he replied "I'm not going to forget or forgive him, or let it go"

"You need to do what you think is right, if they chose to do the opposite…" she shrugged.

"I just don't understand it" Nick shook his head, he just couldn't accept his mother forgiving his father "the way he treated her…I just can't believe she forgave him"

"Maybe it's easier for her not to blame him" Nick gave her a questioning look "maybe it's easier to say it wasn't his fault, she's the one to blame. That way she can at least feel in control, that she didn't let him take everything from her" her eyes were down now and Nick realized she wasn't talking about his mother. This was about her.

"It wasn't her fault" he looked at her and reached to raise her chin, so she would look into his eyes "wasn't your fault, Amanda, no matter what you think you did wrong"

"Yeah" she tried to smile and he lowered his hand but placed it close to her.

"Are you going to call your sister?"

"I'll wait till she's not so angry" he said.

"She's a lot like you, ha?" Amanda bit her lip, she didn't mean it as an insult and hoped Nick wouldn't see it as one.

"You know" he took a deep breath "as much as I hate him I'm so much like him, and she is too. She mentioned the anger management, how it didn't really work and…well, she's right, but I don't know what to do" it was the truth, Nick tried so hard not to be like his father. In some aspects he made it, he had never hit his ex-wife or his kids. But he had so much anger inside of him, it got him in trouble and it hurt. It hurt being out of control.

"You're a good man Nick" she placed her palm over his "I wish I had an answer for you, but you have to know that you are a good person" Nick had no reply but he appreciated her words, the way she said it.

"At least you got to see Zara" she tried to lighten the mood "she hasn't been here for a long time"

"She's growing up so fast" he smiled "maybe it's good that she wasn't here for the entire trial, to hear everything about my dad"

"You are a great dad" she reassured him "She loves you, you know that"

"At least I have that over him" he chuckled.

"Wait till she's a teenager" she teased and he had to laugh "I think almost no teenager admits she loves her dad"

"Did you?" he regretted asking, forgetting her dad left when she wasn't even nine "sorry, I didn't meant to…"

"It's ok" she brushed it off "I had other problems growing up to worry about him"

"You ever tried to find him?" he continued, not entirely sure it was the right time but maybe there wouldn't be a better one.

"I did" she nodded "when I joined the APD, but he…he didn't really want anything to do with me so I just dropped it, kind of"

"I'm sorry"

"You know Nick" she moved to sit more comfortably on the couch "you are lucky, even though your dad has been a let down and hurt you, you still have a family that cares about you and loves you. Your sister and mother, they both want the best for you. I never got that, I've always been the one who had to take care of everyone, even when I was a kid. I wish it was different for me, I wish I could grow up in a normal, or not as bad, family. Maybe then I wouldn't be so…messed up" she shrugged "maybe I could be different"

"You're not too bad" they smiled at each other and continued sitting quietly.

"I miss you Nick" her voice was almost a hiss but he heard her. He raised his hand and caressed her cheek softly. Amanda closed her eyes and enjoyed the way his fingers felt against her skin.

"Amanda" he said and she opened her eyes and looked straight into his "we can make it, right? We can try again"

"I would like that" she answered.

Nick moved his entire body closer, his lips brushing over hers. He didn't plan for this to happen, not the first time and not right now. But it felt right, it felt like where they meant to be, with each other.


	10. Decaying Morality

_Things we've learned from this episode of SVU:_

_1\. The writers have no idea what's a plot twist_

_2\. The writers think every detective has to have anger issues (now Carisi has them?)_

_3\. Barba has an hearing problem_

_4\. Amanda makes every episode better_

* * *

**Decaying Morality**

* * *

As promised, Amanda got to the station early. She hoped that by being the first to show up would be ease the pity stares, the looks she knew she would get.

She made herself a cup of coffee. It felt like it has been forever since she sat at her desk, but it was good to be back.

"Amanda" her thoughts were interrupted by Fin's voice "it's good to have you back"

"Good to be back" she gave him a hug.

"It's not the same without you" Amanda smiled at him, she could tell he wasn't going to ask anything else and appreciated him for that.

Nick and Carisi walked in at the same time. Carisi smiled at her, it was clear he wasn't sure what to say,

"Hey guys" she spoke first.

"Hi" Nick smiled at her.

They did get a chance to talk briefly two nights ago, she heard about the ordeal with his father and wanted to see how he was doing. Nick being Nick he didn't offer much then, and they couldn't talk much now, not about anything not work related.

She hoped they would get a moment later.

But it was tough with everything that has been going on with the investigation and they barely had a moment alone.

* * *

Nick thought Amanda looked good, she was on time, she was focused. They interrogated Jenna together and Amanda looked strong, at least he hoped she was.

He wanted to talk to her, not about evidence and suspects, he wanted to hear what she was up to on her vacation, or whatever that was.

They were busy with the investigation, working hard to get to the truth and when they finally got their results. As usual it was a pretty messed up situation. A part of him wanted to let the dentist's sister do whatever she wanted to him, but that would have been a bad idea. There was a moment when he held the sister back Amanda touched his arm and he tried so hard not to look at her. If he would have turned to her, he wasn't sure he could hide it, it would have been written all over his face, how much he missed her, it almost hurt.

He had to talk to her.

Nick knew where she liked to walk Frannie but he figured it was best to call before showing up. It took a few rings but she answered and agreed to meet up with him.

* * *

Nick waited for her on a bench, it was cold outside but the weather didn't bother him, he was more excited than he thought he would be. When he saw her walking over to him he got even more excited.

"Hi Nick" she smiled and Frannie walked to him.

"Hey girl" he smiled at the dog.

"What's going on?" Amanda sat down next to him, she was wearing her big blue coat and flashed him a big smile.

"I wanted to talk to you, find out how you're doing, you've been gone for a while" she nodded and looked at Frannie "how was the time off?"

"It was…" she tried to think about the right word, what did Nick want to hear? What did she want to tell him? "I guess I kinda needed it"

"How was it to be back?"

"You know, one thing you can count on is that SVU is SVU, always messy" she shrugged.

Nick chuckled "yeah"

"How are you doing? After the whole thing with your dad…" she they'd been quiet for a while. She had to admit it was nice to sit next to him like this, not at work, just the two of them, and Frannie of course.

"I'm trying not to think about it" he answered honestly.

"I get that" she wasn't about to offer an advise since she really didn't have any, instead she laughed and Nick gave her a wondering look "I just think we're so messed up" she smiled "I'm winning obviously"

"That's a competition you wouldn't want to be number one at"

"It isn't" she agreed quietly.

"But we are pretty messed up" he glanced at Amanda who was patting Frannie.

"What does that mean?" she asked without looking at him, a bit afraid of what he might say.

"I don't know" he turned to her and waited until she did the same and looked at him.

"I'm sorry I screwed things up between us" she said.

"I'm sorry I didn't try to fix it"

"I'm sorry about that too" looking at his brown eyes got a little too much and she was about to turn away again when he spoke.

"Maybe it could cancel each other out" he said.

"What?"

"What if our issues cancel each other out" he repeated.

"I'm not sure it works that way" she gave him a soft smiled "but I wish it did"

"You know, I don't know what you and I were doing, and whatever that was we both screwed it up. Maybe that's not a bad thing, maybe it means we were wrong before, because we only thought we were together but we were only alone together, it's not what we deserve, it's not what I want for us"

Amanda wasn't sure what Nick's point was, was he sorry about their fling, affair, whatever it was. But then he made it clear.

"But I do want an _us_, I just want it to make us happy"

Amanda could make a couple of jokes about what he had just said but she didn't really want to. Instead she squeezed his hand.

"It's complicated between us" she let go of his hand "we're gonna have to figure it out"

Nick took her palm in his "we're pretty smart" they both smiled.

"Or really stupid" Nick kissed the soft skin on her hand and she bit her lip "I think we just like each other" she added and rested her head on his shoulder.

"That's a good start"


	11. Intimidation Game

_Hey readers,_

_I want to thank you for your reviews. Honestly, that's kind of the only thing that keeps me writing this and watching the show. _

_This episode was fine, but the whole season is just a disappointment for me. The whole Rollaro thing (now they are ignoring it completely – as if it never happened), it wasn't even mentioned in the eonline article, maybe they are not allowed to talk about it anymore. _

_Now that L&amp;O: VMD (very miserable detectives – that's the show's new name from now on) was renewed for a 17__th__ season I'm sure we will get no Rollaro and more sad stories. _

_So this is a very special missing scene._

* * *

Amanda sat up in the bed.

The room was dark, it was late. She took a deep breath, everything was alright.

She felt a hand on her back, Amanda could feel the warmth through the thin shirt she was wearing.

"You alright?" Nick asked her, his hand rubbing her back gently.

"Yeah" she turned her head to him and smiled "I just had a dream, it felt so real" she shivered and Nick kissed her shoulder after he sat more comfortably next to her.

"Want to tell me about it?" he asked.

She nodded and now moved to sit in front of him "what startled me was how real it felt" she started "you and I we had this fight, it was so weird, it came out of nowhere but it was so bad, we were so mad, and we didn't even talk about it, we barely spoke to each other after that, you were barely there and… and it was as if nothing had happened between us, we just kept going and I…I…it hurt so much" she looked so sad and Nick hurried to embrace her.

"It's ok" he whispered as he felt her arms hugging her back "we are fine, we are not fighting, we are not angry at each other, I love you"

"I know" he felt her nod but didn't let go of her "I love you too, so much Nick"

He felt her move and let go of her but leaned to kiss her lips.

"It's stupid" she chuckled "I'm sorry I woke you up"

Nick caressed her cheek "now I just get to wake up next to you twice at one day" he smiled and they both burst out in laughter.

"Cheesy" she had a hard time to stop laughing.

"Come here" he pulled her towards him and their lips met again, this time they took their time exploring each other's mouths, never getting tired of being reminded how good it felt to be so close.

Amanda used her body to push Nick down on the bed.

"You want to go back to sleep?" he asked when she pulled away for a second to take a breath.

"Maybe in a little while" she replied playfully, her hand moving under his t-shirt "you tired?"

"I'm sure you can make me tired" he kissed her again.

"I will do my best" Amanda promised and Nick had absolutely no doubt about it. She was lying on top of him, their tongues dancing with each other again.

The dream may have felt real but it wasn't.

This was the truth -

The way Nick's hands felt on her bare skin, the way her heart was beating whenever he was close, the way his breath on her ear made her entire body tingle.

They loved each other, there was no doubt about it.

* * *

_I didn't feel like writing another 'how they get back together' conversation like the previous chapters of this fic(so yeah – this whole terrible for Rollaro season was just a bad dream, and Nick and Amanda are happy together in the SVU in my imagination._


	12. Undercover Mother

_Apart from the thing about Noah at the end this was a pretty good episode, I read nothing about it (or about SVU) so I had no expectations (not good ones anyway) – I guess it's best to expect the worst and be surprised later. _

_I miss Murphy and was really happy to see him again. I had no idea he would show up and was excited to see him. But I was hoping he was undercover in a gambling ring, cause I had a fanfic idea that involves him in one._

* * *

**Undercover Mother**

* * *

Nick felt like things between him and Amanda were good now. When they were sitting in the car, watching the house, it didn't feel awkward. It actually felt nice. Well, nice wasn't the right word as they were staking a house that was connected to a trafficking ring.

But he felt like he could be natural with her, not have to walk on egg shells because he had no idea what's been going on between them, or if she was doing alright. Amanda actually seemed good, focused, working hard. Nick was happy for her, she didn't talk about it but he hoped she knew he was available for that.

* * *

After the arraignment they all went out for a drink, all except for Benson who had to go back to Noah.

Carisi complained about being hit by Murphy. Liv did tell him he was an undercover cop, but he took it pretty hard.

"It hurts when I shower, it even hurts when I sleep" he told them "I can only sleep on my back now, I swear…"

"You'll survive" Fin laughed and looked at Amanda.

Nick took a sip from his beer and glanced at her too. Since Murphy left Nick had wondered if she knew where he was or if she was in contact with him. Sure, Murphy wasn't supposed to share this information, it was a deep cover operation, but Nick knew Amanda liked Murphy, he did save her ass, and her life probably. But from the look on her face when the two of them walked into the house and saw him there it was clear to Nick she had no idea about his work.

* * *

They didn't drink much, Nick only had one beer and so did Amanda, they all had to be at work the next day so a hangover was not an option.

"See you tomorrow" Fin said and turned to look at Sonny "stay strong Carisi, you'll probably make it"

"I'm glad my pain is amusing you all" Carisi waved before leaving.

"See ya Fin" Amanda laughed and turned to leave.

Nick watched as she walked away. Something took over him, he wanted to walk next to her, go with her, be with her.

Nick turned to see Fin had disappeared and he rushed after her.

"Amanda" he called and she turned to him, smiling "wait a second"

"Yeah?" she asked.

"I thought I'd walk with you, you headed for the subway?" she nodded "I'm parked not far from the station"

"Sure" she smiled again.

They walked quietly for a while before Nick spoke "so Murphy, ha?"

"What about him?" she looked at him and Nick stopped.

"You think he's doing fine? I mean…he's really deep and…well…" he wasn't sure how to phrase what he'd wanted to say.

"I know you don't like him Nick"

"It's not about that, it's about whether you think he is not too deep"

Amanda shrugged "honestly" she stopped and it seemed like she was trying to decide if she should tell him what she was really thinking "I want to say he is, I mean…" she shrugged again "Murphy's good, he's in a tough position…"

"So you're not sure?" it was both a question and a statement.

She really wasn't sure about Murphy right now. She wanted to believe him, because he helped her, he could have easily used her, she was in a bad place and it would have been easy for him. Instead he helped her out.

"I think he's doing his best, being undercover like that, operations like that, it's complicated and it's not easy"

"It is not" he agreed and decided to lighten the mood a bit "who do you think he's gonna hit next?"

Amanda gave him a look, tried to seem angry but her eyes were smiling "maybe it would be your turn, you did hit him once, no?"

Nick let out a chuckle.

"Hey" he said "I wanted to apologize"

Amanda gave him a questioning look, not sure what he was talking about.

"The thing I said in the car" she still seemed confused "the 'wanna bet' thing"

"Oh" she said "don't worry about it"

"Amanda" he stopped walking now and she looked at him "I didn't want to…"

"No Nick" she raised her hand a little "I mean it in a good way, I don't want you to feel like you have to be careful around me or anything, like you have to think about every single word that comes out of your mouth, I kinda like it that we are okay…we are okay, right?"

"I think we are" he smiled and nodded.

They continued walking and even though Nick tried to move slower they had arrived to station.

"So…this is my stop" she looked at him.

"Yeah" they stood there for a while, not really wanting to move.

"You gonna go to your car?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah" he almost forgot about telling her that his vehicle was close.

"Cause, well…it's gonna take you a while to get there" he looked a bit embarrassed "you are parked on the opposite side of that bar, nowhere near here"

She smiled at him and he smiled back at her "you want a ride home?" he offered.

"I'd like that" neither one of them moved, they kept on looking at one another, as if they couldn't tear their eyes from each other.

Nick and Amanda's lips simultaneously curved into a smile and they turned around to walk to his car. Her hand grazed his for a brief moment it made him feel so good, not wrong at all.

It felt just right.

So he took her hand in his and she squeezed it a little bit.


	13. December Solstice

Hey everyone,

Again, thank you so much for your kind words, it's great not to feel alone in this Rollaroless season. I'm kind of watching cause I like writing these scenes, the way things go - it is very challenging.

I think this episode was one of the worst, the storyline was boring (I skipped through most of it), everything just felt so…blah…

I don't know if there's an episode next week, or if Nick and Amanda will be a part of it, but I sure hope it's better than this one. The writers should really understand that the best episodes are with the entire cast (I know it's probably a budget thing, but there are many ways to save money).

Regarding Rollaro – I'm sure there is no plan, they will just use them whenever they want to and make them fight for the dramatic effect (and I mean it in a bad way).

Oh well…I'll have to continue pretending this is what's really going on.

And I've been working on a new fic, it's going very very slow so I'm not sure when I'm going to post the first chapter.

* * *

**December Solstice**

* * *

Saturday, February 7

* * *

Amanda opened her eyes and cursed under her breath, she hated waking up to the sound of her phone, especially on weekends. SVU wasn't a 9 to 5 job, and Amanda couldn't see herself doing something else, but there were times, like this morning, when she'd rather not get up. She stretched a little before answering "Rollins" it was Carisi, he was already at the precinct and let her know they had a new case "I'll be there in about an hour"

"Good" Carisi said "see you then, I have to call Amaro next"

"See you" she placed the phone on the bedside table and rested her head on the pillow. She turned her head to the side "you're next" she whispered and reached to caress his shoulder.

"What?" he mumbled, his eyes still closed.

"Your about to get a phone call" she whispered and moved closer to kiss him "you should get up"

A phone buzzed and he opened his eyes and reached for it.

"Amaro" he answered and Amanda looked at him as he listened to Carisi's voice. Her eyes studied him, moving from his face down to his bare chest. He caught her looking and smiled softly "yeah, no problem, alright"

"Told ya" she smiled as he lay back down next to her "we really have to get up" she looked at him and he nodded.

The previous night they went out, played some pool, talked. It was nice, she missed having a good time with Nick, not arguing and fighting. It's been going on for a while now, as if they let go of the anger they held towards each other after their fight and now just enjoyed each other's company.

As time passed she asked him to come to her apartment and they kissed for a long time, it definitely wasn't their first kiss, but it felt different. It was hard to define, but it made every bone, every inch of her skin, every fiber and nerve in her body tingle.

Nick felt the same way, still, when he felt her hands move under his shirt he had to stop her "are you sure about this?" he panted, looking in to her eyes for any sign of hesitation. Not that he hoped to find any, but he wanted her to be sure. They were getting closer again and it felt so good, Nick didn't want to ruin it.

Amanda stopped moving but kept her hands on his muscular chest "yes" she replied, there was no doubt in her voice or in her eyes "are you sure about this?" she asked him and he nodded before capturing her mouth before he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.

"Yeah, we have to get up" he wanted nothing more than to stay in bed with her and the look in her eyes said the same thing.

Nick moved closer to her and kissed her softly "maybe a few more minutes?" she asked when they parted and instead of wasting time with words he kissed her again, getting on top of her. Amanda's hands moved over his back to the head, pulling him even closer. A few minutes turned into a few more minutes but they finally made it to the station. Her hair was a little messy but she hoped nobody would notice.

* * *

Saturday, February 11

* * *

Amanda and Nick both watched as Carisi took his coat, muttering a goodbye before leaving the squad room. Amanda gave Nick a questioning look and he gave her a slight smile, leaning back in his chair.

"Where do you think he's going?" she walked over to him and sat on the edge of his desk.

"I don't know"

"No?" she tilted her head a little "I figured you must have gotten closer with all your road trips to Westchester"

"Very funny" he turned to his computer screen and she was about to get back to her desk "for the record, I would rather go on a road trip with you"

"Where should we go then?" she couldn't help but smile, her voice was low and flirty, which made Nick a bit excited.

"We'll always have Canada" she shrugged "but right now I'd settle for a ride to my place"

"I can do that"


	14. Parole Violations

**Parole Violations**

* * *

_February 28_

* * *

Nick has been watching Amanda for the last couple of days, ever since they've met it seemed to him that whenever there was a case involving someone abusing his power it had this affect on her, for a long time he couldn't understand what it was about, until chief Patton showed up and she had to face what had happened to her.

Amanda being Amanda she acted tough, as if her vacation in Costa Rica had fixed everything. But Nick wasn't blind, he could see she wasn't ok about it, he wasn't expecting her to be.

After Benson had told Carisi to stay away from the investigation and the three of them went over everything he just wanted to ask Liv to stop talking.

_"A respected male officer wouldn't abuse his power to coerce a woman into sex…"_

He looked at her as Olivia walked to the office "Amanda…" he started but she just gave him a quick smile and turned to her computer. Nick kept on looking at her once in a while but she didn't look back at him.

Now he's been waiting for the results from the lab, he watched as Amanda walked away after the little argument with Carisi, it wasn't his place to tell him exactly what Kim had put her through, and he was pretty sure there could be other things he had no idea about. He had to let Benson know about the results and when he walked back to his desk Amanda wasn't there. She wasn't in the bunks too but he had a feeling he'd find her outside, there was a spot she used to smoke at near the precinct.

He was right, she was there, leaning on a wall. Amanda wasn't smoking which made him smile because she said that she had stopped, except for some 'desperate times' as she called it.

She was just standing there, staring at nothing so he tried not to startle her.

"Hey" his voice was soft.

She turned around and looked at him without saying anything, he was about to speak when she changed her mind "you checking up on me?"

"Yes" he replied honestly, walking closer to her. From her displeased expression he could guess she wanted to tell him she was fine, but he didn't want to hear that "don't even try" he said and now she seemed a little confused.

"Don't say you're ok and everything's fine…the Amanda repertoire"

"The Amanda repertoire?" she chuckled.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about" he smiled "cause I know it by heart already, but I'm not going to believe it now…and I'm not going to walk away, so don't go for the encore"

"So I'm just the 'Amanda show' to you?"

He shook his head "You are way more than that"

"So what do you want me to say then?" she looked at him.

"You can tell me the truth if you want to, you don't have to say anything if you don't feel like it, just don't push me away" the word push wasn't his first choice, not after their fight, but he's been over it for a long time now "I saw the way you looked at Liv the other day and what you said to Carisi, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out it was about Kim…"

Amanda looked down at her feet and Nick gave her time to look up.

"Yeah…well…" she mumbled but then finally looked at him "I just feel like…what am I doing here? If I doubt the victim if I've…been one" she looked down again and he could hear the pain in her voice "what am I good for? Can I even be a detective?" she raised one of her shoulders a bit.

"Amanda" he waited until her eyes were on him "you are a good person, you're a great detective, you are smart and empathic…and you run fast" her lips curved into a slight smile hearing the last part "but you've been through so much, and you pretend you haven't, you don't want anyone to think you're weak, but nobody does, you've been low but you pulled through because you're strong. No matter how strong you are, sometimes you need time or somebody to be there for you, or both"

He stopped for a moment to give her an opportunity to react, say something or even just nod as an acknowledgment.

"I'm here Amanda" he continued because she remained silent "_I am here for you_, you're not alone in any of this"

Amanda looked straight into his eyes as if she was searching for a shred of doubt, but Nick knew she won't find any.

One of her hands moved to his back and he stayed still, letting her be in charge of whatever she wanted to do. It didn't take him long to find out as the other hand joined and she moved closer to him, pressing her body to his in a hug.

"I miss you" she hissed against his shirt and he pulled her closer.

Nick kissed the top of her head and without hesitation said "I miss you too"

"Ok" she quickly pulled away "now I'm fine, really"

He smiled, it was an honest answer.

"We should probably get back before they suspect something" she turned to the door.

"Only if there's something to be suspicious of" he turned to follow her back to the station.

"Oh" she turned around and winked at him "there is"

* * *

Once the interview with the PO was over Amanda returned to her desk, she gave Nick a quick smile. He was right, she may have been messed up, and she will never be able to erase all of the bad things that had happened to her. But she wasn't alone, she had people who cared about her, really cared about her.

"Ready?" Nick asked.

She knew he was talking about going to Jordan Dolphy's apartment, but when she nodded it wasn't about that.

She was ready to be happy and she knew he will have a part in it.


	15. Devastating Story

_First of all I have to thank you for your reviews, I enjoy reading them and they brighten SVU for me._

_And I'm proud to be converting people to Rollaroism : )_

_Now a little rant… _

_It's no secret I'm disappointed with this season. The only reason I'm watching is Rollaro (the not-even-drops we get and I let my imagination handle the rest and share it with all of you). The story lines are just not interesting, I just skip through most of the episode because I don't really care, I'm sure they can do better, there have been some great episodes through the years but this season the best ones, for me, are maybe ok. _

_This season has been just – meh… the detectives missing so many episodes, it just doesn't feel like the same SVU, and I used to really love the show even before I fell in love with Rollaro._

_Maybe Amanda should get a spin-off, lately I really like the thought of her in homicide. _

_And they never tell us where's Nick (or any other detective apart from Amanda) when he's away and I ran out of ideas so he's been in LA._

* * *

**Devastating Story**

* * *

Amanda took out the keys from her coat. It has been a long day, with their case going south they had a lot of damage control to do. With the publicity it got they had a victim from a completely unrelated case recanting, lawyers using it to get deals for their clients.

She was glad to go home and have a quiet evening.

Amanda heard something once she opened the door, the last time someone was in her apartment when she wasn't there – it had been Kim, and that turned out great.

But it was a different story this time.

"Nick?" her heart was beating faster and she couldn't hide the stunned expression.

"I'm sorry" he felt bad looking at her, he should have called, what was he thinking? Surprising Amanda at her place? "I thought I'd surprise you with dinner, I still have the key you gave me a while back and…well, I heard about the case and thought I'd cheer you up a bit"

"Cheer me up?" she walked over to him, her mouth slightly opened and her head tilted to the side a bit.

"I shouldn't have come here unannounced" he sincerely apologized "I just..."

"You seem to be in a good mood" she changes the subject while she tried to decide whether the rapid heartbeats were caused by fear someone could have broken into her apartment or by excitement.

"LA was good actually" he smiled "I don't know if I'm getting used to it but I had a great time with Zara, so yeah, I'm in a good mood"

"That's really great" she looked at the stove, there was a pot there "what are you making?"

"Rice" he had just finished cleaning up.

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" she grinned and he felt like the tension has left her body.

"You know it's my specialty"

"Only cause you can't make anything else" she mocked "don't think I've forgotten the boiled eggs fiasco"

"If I'm not mistaken" he smirked "those eggs were overcooked because someone here had other plans away from the kitchen" he looked at her and she shrugged, acting innocent. But she remembered it very well, it happened so long ago, a few weeks before that fight at the bar...Amanda shook away the memory of that night.

"And you don't have eggs in your fridge anyway, so rice it is" Nick was still talking and Amanda smiled to herself.

The heartbeats were ones of excitement. It was nice to see him there, standing in her kitchen, the underused stove finally being utilized.

"It's ready" he let her know and placed the pot on a towel "help me get some plates"

Amanda was about to do as he requested but there was something she wanted to do first. She gently touched his arm and moved closer so her lips could meet his. He showed no objection and let her deepen the kiss.

"If you're trying to make the rice burn like those damn eggs you're out of luck" his mouth was just by her ear and he whispered "I turned the stove off"

Amanda gave him an innocent look but her thoughts were far from it, the way he said these simple words had sent shivers down her spine and for a moment she couldn't find her voice because of it.

Nick didn't add anything though and took out two plates for them, putting some of the rice on them.

"Hungry?" he asked and she nodded.

They ate sitting on the couch, Frannie was curios about the content of their plates but walked to her bowl quickly, realizing it wasn't too interesting.

"So Barba's not going to pursue?" Nick asked after Amanda had briefed him about the case.

"How can he? With all the different things she'd told us, if that professor wouldn't have convinced her to tell the lies, then we could do something, but now there's nothing we can do"

"Just another perk of the job" he said sarcastically.

"Carisi wasn't too happy about it either, but looks like he wants to stay at SVU"

"Really?" Nick still wasn't sure how he felt about Carisi, but maybe it was just the fact he joined them to fill in for him.

"At least he brings some good pastries" she winked.

"Speaking of" Nick placed his empty plate on the coffee table "I brought dessert"

"Oh" she seemed excited.

"It's not cannolis" he shrugged "but I think you'd still like it"

"Yeah?" she raised her brow, wondering what it could be "maybe I should check it out then" she put her plate next to his but instead of going back to the kitchen she leaned in and kissed him "maybe we could have your dessert after we have this one" she said in between pecks.

"You have one hell of a sweet tooth" he muttered but had no plans of stopping her fingers from unbuttoning his blouse. He helped her take off her dark shirt and freed her hair from the pony tale.

"Come on" he whispered and she followed him to the bedroom.

* * *

Amanda opened the fridge and took out the pink box that was there. She placed it on the counter and was about to open it when she felt Nick's arms around her.

"It's your favorite" he said and kissed her cheek, letting his fingers tickle her over the shirt she was wearing, his shirt.

"Well" she turned around in his arms "it's a good thing you came by then"

"Yeah?" he still felt somewhat guilty for not checking with her first.

"Yeah, I like it when you're here" she kissed him and then turned around.

Nick pulled her closer as she opened the box "it is my favorite" she said.


	16. Granting Immunity

_Warning: a long rant ahead:_

_So this week on Law &amp; Order: CDC__…__measles, vaccinations…wait, haven't I seen this in another show called SVU? Maybe in season 10 episode 19? _

_Why not come up with something original? Next season he's gonna have the chicken pox. _

_I didn't care about this episode at all, again, not an interesting plot line._

_I really feel (specially after reading the interview with the show runner) that SVU is becoming into a family drama, about Olivia and Noah. I'm happy she has a child and I don't want him to die/be kidnapped/taken away (can't they let them be happy together without all the drama?). But I feel like this entire season has been about him. I think we've seen or heard about him more than about Fin!_

_And speaking of Fin, I miss him, he and Rollins are great partners and I hate that he's role is so small this season. You know what – why haven't we heard a single thing about his son, Ken, do the writers even remember he has a fiancé in a coma? But not even a single word about that. _

_And Gil, we've seen him for what, 5 seconds? What was the point of bringing him at all? I like him and if we are concentrating more about family– why does he get so little screen time?_

_Every episode just leaves me disappointed and it's not going to get better._

_Now, it's only my fault for expecting something good, I've been following this show since season 2 probably, but they don't care about the loyal fans I suppose, it's only Noah, Noah and Noah._

_How many times have we seen Stabler's kids during all the years he's been on SVU? Not as much as we've seen Noah this season. _

_And I know it's SVU 2.0 and all that, but at least give us good stories, there were episodes you were glued to the screen cause they were so intense. _

_I guess I'm just upset a show I like got so bad in my opinion, while they have some good things going, so much is just bad._

_So I'm not going to watch season 17 cause from what I understand there will be more Noah and more Benson personal drama. I don't even care about the rest of this season._

_At least Amanda was awesome as usual, she was the only good thing in this episode. _

_Nick should move to California, if he's so worried about he's kids why would he stay? The two of them will be there soon. _

_About Rollaro…_

_Why do I get the feeling they shoot these scenes but post them only on twitter to keep the Rollaro fans happy while they delete them from the episode itself to keep the Rollaro haters happy? I'm being paranoid, but this is not the first time. _

_Using a deleted scene is cheating so sadly, even with all of the potential it had, I'm not going to use it._

_At least we got a tiny scene at the end._

_Sorry for the longest rant ever. If I actually watch the next episode I will try to be less disappointed. But just so you know, I appreciate all of your feedback and rants so very, very much!_

* * *

**Granting Immunity**

* * *

Amanda stood in her kitchen, holding an empty glass and staring at her phone. She wanted to call him, ever since Carisi had interrupted their conversation Amanda's been feeling like Nick had more to say. She wanted to be there for him, to listen.

But the juries were back and they had to go to the court house. She didn't get a chance to talk to him after that, he wanted to go with Fin to the hospital and update Olivia.

So she drove home, not before Carisi asked if she wanted to go play bowling with some of his night school friends. Amanda politely declined and told him she was tired.

Now, she's been staring at her phone, contemplating whether she should call him or not. It seemed like they've been in a good place for a while now. He opened up about Gil's possible departure and his disappointment about it, something that not so long ago he probably wouldn't have done.

So yeah, she should call.

Finally she picked up the phone and dialed.

It didn't take him long to answer, and she wasn't sure if his voice was surprised or happy or both.

"Hey" he said and for a moment she'd forgotten why she called him.

"Hi, I just wanted to check in, how are things at the hospital?" she asked.

"Better…yeah, Liv thinks they will be out of there soon"

"Oh, good, that's great news, it was a rough one"

"It was" there was an awkward silence until Amanda spoke again.

"After dealing with all of these kids and parents I really feel like having a drink or a bite to eat, you want to join?"

"I thought you were tired"

Amanda was caught off guard by his reply, how did he know that's what she told Carisi.

"Carisi invited me to his bowling game, said you weren't up for it" he explained "but some food sounds good, what about Pizza?"

"I'd love that, how about that place near the…"

"I know what you're talking about" he didn't even need her to finish the sentence "meet you there?"

* * *

"So you're not a fan of bowling?" Nick asked once they sat down with their food and drinks.

"I like bowling" she shrugged "I'm not bad, you play?"

"It's not my favorite pastime, but I guess I'm alright"

She let out a laugh and he smiled at her "maybe we should play sometime, see how 'alright' you are"

"Yeah" he looked down at his plate.

"So how're you doing? We were kinda…interrupted earlier today"

"Honestly" he raised his eyes and looked at her "I hate it, I love my kids and I feel like I'm disappointing them by not being there"

"I know you're not Nick" she placed her palm on the table, not to far from his "and they know you are there, even if you are further away. Being a dad is not just physically showing up, it's about making your child feel like you love them, like you always will. I've seen you with Zara and I know she feels that way, I'm sure Gil feels this way too, they love you"

"Thanks" he nodded "but I still feel like it's wrong, how can I be there when I'm here? Over the phone? Skype? It doesn't replace a face to face conversation, a hug"

"It doesn't" she agreed and they exchanged a shy smile "you think about moving there?"

Nick seemed surprised with her question, when Maria told him she was moving he said no straight away, his son and mother were in New York. But his son was probably moving now, and his mother didn't really need him, she'd probably be happy to move herself.

Amanda could almost see the thoughts turning in his head, his fingers were playing with the glass.

"Sorry…I shouldn't have…" she apologized.

"No, it's a good question" he looked at her again "it's something I'm gonna have to think about, but with everything that's been going on…I don't want to make a rush decision"

"That's good" she nodded "I'm sure that whatever it is, you'll make the right choice"

Nick let out a soft chuckle "you have too much faith in me"

She shook her head "that's not true, you're a good man Nick. You've just been through a lot and sometimes when you go through these things it makes you doubt everything else, all of your other accomplishments"

"Accomplishments…" he laughed.

They ate their food exchanging a few sentences once in a while, keeping the conversation light. Talking a little bit more about bowling and sports.

"It's not that cold today" she said as she put on her coat.

"Yeah, it is getting warmer"

"Frannie's been getting longer walks" she smiled at him.

"I'm sure she likes that"

"Nobody really likes staying cooped up in a small apartment for a long time…but she still likes me…I think"

"I'm sure it's not that bad" he smiled at her.

"Maybe I was wrong" Amanda said and Nick gave her a questioning look "about the weather, it's still cold"

Nick walked her to the car, it was comfortable and the truth was he didn't feel cold, quite the opposite. He felt a warm tingly feeling in his heart. Maybe it was the Measles?

"What?" she asked him, he looked like he was somewhere else.

"Nothing" he shook his head with a smile.

"Nothing?" she repeated, the two of them were standing by her car.

All of the sudden Nick wasn't sure what to answer, it wasn't nothing. He's been thinking about her, about the fact that even walking so close to her made him feel better. What was he supposed to do? Tell her? Ignore it?

He's been in a bad place for a long time, and even though things at work were getting better, his personal life was a mess, with everything that had happened with his father, his son maybe leaving too.

But at this moment, standing by Amanda's car, her wide smile, the wind blowing through her hair, the sparkle in her blue eyes, eyes that were locked with his. At this moment, it seemed like things could get easier.

Like they will.

He didn't reply, not with words. He just kissed her.

And it felt so good.

She returned the kiss and he pulled her closer, trying to eliminate as much space as possible. The moment they'd parted he wanted, and needed to kiss her again. She had the same expression, which made him want to feel her lips again his again.

But this time he used words "what are we doing?" he asked, asking was the responsible thing to do, wasn't it? That kiss was amazing, but was it the right thing to do? Where would it lead? Where did he want it to lead?

Amanda could see the serious look in his eyes, it prevented her from replying with a joke. After all, he was right. What were they doing?

Kissing was the simple answer, but what did he want to happen? Because if she had to be honest, she knew what she wanted.

More.

Amanda wanted more with him, she wanted to kiss him again, to ask him to get in the car, make out with him by her front door, on her couch and then make love to him until they fall asleep. She felt a shiver of excitement run through her thinking about his skin touching hers. But she wanted more than that, she wanted to wake up next to him in the morning, have breakfast with him, not only the following day.

"Do you think it's wrong?" she asked quietly.

"No" he didn't even think before he replied "it doesn't feel wrong"

"It doesn't" she nodded. They kept on looking at each other, both feeling like no matter what's going to happen this, _they_, it was right.

"Do you want to get in?" she touched the car's door and opened it after he gave her a nod.

* * *

Later that night he watched as she slept, her back was turned to him and he placed a soft kiss on the back of her neck. Nick didn't want to wake her up but he felt like he had to kiss her, it represented the affection he felt for her, the fact that no matter what, that second, when his lips connected with her skin, everything was perfect.


	17. Daydream Believer

_Just a few notes on the episode:_

_Only three episodes left. I don't know if I'm curious or not about the season finale… _

_I think the whole point of a crossover is to let every show have its moment and shine, but both crossovers were about CPD (and people who are close to Erin), it's upsetting to people who love SVU more._

_I appreciate the fact they wanted to have a psychopath killer to make it more interesting, but it was very unbelievable, he would have never reacted that way in court if he was really good, because he wouldn't have shown any emotions. It was predictable and for me it felt like they changes his personality just for that. _

_In this chapter I mention something from the missing scene of the previous crossover and I chose the room number for a reason._

_Enjoy._

* * *

_**Daydream Believer**_

* * *

**Chicago**

* * *

Nick and Fin didn't have much time to sleep before they had to fly back to New York with the CPD detectives, he liked them, even that guy who hit on Rollins. Once Again, someone close to one of their own was in trouble and they had to do everything possible to help her. But Nick was happy to get even a couple hours of sleep, he could tell this was going to get worse.

He was about to open the hotel room's door when he noticed the number. Room 414. Nick walked inside and smiled to himself, this was the same room he'd stayed in last time he was helping the CPD with their investigation. Only last time he unofficially shared the room with Amanda. Nick sat on the bed and let his thought drift back to that night.

It was a rough case and things were going pretty bad that day, but when they got back to the hotel and after Amanda took a shower he just kissed her and everything somehow got better. Some vivid images of them making love on that same bed he was now sitting on popped into his head and he really couldn't control his lips now. Back then they made each other feel good and sure, it wasn't exactly a relationship, but it was something.

He remembered falling asleep next to her that night, her body pressed to his and it became clear to him that this wasn't just physical. That's why he got so hurt and angry that night at the bar, and that's also why he let it all go.

It has been a long time and things were changing, it was slow at first, he suddenly had a lot of meaningless questions to ask her, he caught himself looking at her direction while she was busy, walking her out of the station. Telling her things about his children.

Then they started hanging out more, mostly with the other squad members but then one night he "forgot" to invite Fin and they ended up having dinner alone. All those little things were adding up to something and they had to be careful. Careful not to get hurt and careful not to get caught. They were being furtive, hoping no one would suspect anything, Amanda let it slip that Fin knew about them the last time.

Nick reached for his phone and dialed her number, it was late but she wouldn't mind, would she?

"Nick?" she answered after a few rings, her voice groggy with sleep "everything ok?"

"Yes, yeah" he reassured "just wanted to…hear your voice" did he really just say that? "hear how things are at the station, you and Carisi had to hold the fort for a while"

"You mean for a day?" she chuckled "the station is still standing, don't worry bout it"

"I'm not worried…" he smiled "just…"

"Wanted to hear my voice?" he could hear her grin through the phone, it was louder than her words "want me to sing you a lullaby?" Amanda lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Nick was right, she was smiling.

"A lullaby?" he smirked.

"Something else then? Let me think about the right song…"

"Maybe later, just talk to me for a while" he asked but then remembered he had something to share with her "I actually have something to tell you"

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Guess what room number I got" he said.

Amanda tried to think about the options, did they watch a movie about hotels at some point? "I give up" she said after a while.

"414" he wondered if she'd remember but the lack of reply meant she didn't "that's the same one I…we were in the last time in Chicago"

"Really? You remember the room number?" she was smiling again, the number didn't ring a bell but she remembered what happened in there.

"I remembered it when I got here"

"Are you saying they didn't make the bed since we…unmade it?"

Nick let out a laugh "no!"

"You tried to make it look presentable, I still remember how you…" she had to stop for a moment because laughter took over her "how you wanted to make it look presentable…"

"Very funny" he tried to sound insulted.

"It was" she agreed.

They were silent for a while, both tired and in need of sleep, but it felt nice to have a conversation like this, to joke about things, have fun.

"Listen Amanda…" he started.

"Yeah, you need to sleep, I'll see you when you get back"

"You will" he nodded "have a good night"

"You too Nick"

They both hung up at the same time but didn't go to sleep straight away. Nick still wanted to take a quick shower, still thinking about Amanda and how things between them can be like this, uncomplicated and good.

Amanda placed the phone on the bedside table and turned to her side. She wanted to see Nick, she really wanted to see him.

* * *

**New York**

* * *

As usual work kept them occupied, but they would have time to talk and maybe, hopefully, let their bodies do some talking.

During the trial they exchanged a few glances, like they were sharing a secret, but it had to wait.

The CPD guys offered to buy them a drink and the squad accepted, except for Amanda who said she was busy.

But Nick knew she had her GA meeting and he was glad she went, sobriety was a struggle and he was proud of her for fighting for herself, she deserved better than all of the shit that's been thrown at her and before walking into the bar Nick made a promise to support her. He texted her if he could come over later and she replied _'sure'_, he couldn't wait to see her.

"Come on in" Amanda opened the door for him "how did it go at the bar?"

"Well…we had a drink…not too hard" he shrugged, Frannie greeted him and he happily petted her "how was the meeting?"

"It was ok" she replied "want a drink?"

Nick shook his head "Well I'm glad you went"

"I try not to miss them" she crossed her arms and looked at him, she had a feeling he wanted to say something but she didn't want to ask.

Turned out she didn't have to "so…" he gestured at the couch, wanting them to sit down.

Amanda sat down next to him, a part of her expected a lecture about how things were complicated and how they had to figure them out, how they had to be sure of what was going on between them because last time it didn't end well.

But Nick looked at her and she saw a spark in his eyes, and damn it, she loved his eyes so she didn't wait, she knew all of those things, she knew they had to decide what it was and she knew what she wanted. So she did it.

Amanda kissed him, it wasn't a soft kiss, she let her fingers play with his hair while pushing him closer, their tongues almost entangled. All of the right words were in this kiss, they understood each other and their next actions were also clear. She pushed him down and got on top of him, moaning a little into his mouth.

They parted for a second and looked into each other's eyes "so we agree?" she smiled at him and he nodded, he had nothing to add. This wasn't going to be unclear and sporadic, this was going to be one of the best things in his life, and whatever complications that may arise, they will deal with them together.

"Ohh…wait" he said and turned his head.

"Ha?" She gave him a questioning look, did something bad happen so fast? He was trying to move and she followed his gaze.

"Frannie!" she laughed, the dog was licking Nick's exposed ankle.

"Come on" Nick picked her up "no interruptions"

He walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind them. Nick lowered her on the bed and quickly moved to kiss her neck while his fingers were busy with her buttons.

She was about to ask if he was still interested in that song she promised him but as he reached in between her legs after taking off her pants and underwear, she has lost almost all of the ability to speak, the only things coming out of her mouth were moans of pleasure and his name. And one sentence, a short one, but one that meant everything.

"I love you Nick"


	18. Perverted Justice

_Only two episodes left and we won't get to see Amanda in the next one. Why is she out every time Nick has something interesting going? As if I don't know the answer – the writers are keeping them apart so we won't have any Rollaro moments (only deleted ones), the most we get is them sitting/standing next to each other. _

_It was nice to see Cragen, the place is falling apart without him. __Bayard Ellis__ is a good character and of course, Nick's best friend, __Reverend Curtis Scott__, who I don't really care about but he always reminds me of __Amaro's One-Eighty__, remember that one – flirty Amanda, choir boy. Season 15…better cases, better personal stories, no disappearing characters and of course - Rollaro… has it really been a year?_

_Anyway, hope you like this missing scene(s) or should I call them deleted scenes?_

* * *

**Perverted Justice**

* * *

Nick tried to stay focused on the ceremony, religion was important to him so he smiled, listened to the reverend, looked at Noah, ignored Carisi whispering something to him and he especially didn't look at Amanda. She was wearing _that_ dress, of course he knew she'd wear it because she said so, but it just made him think about last night and how he helped her take it off, how he unzipped it and let it drop on the floor, how he stepped on it as they walked to her bed, kissing the entire time. These thoughts were very inappropriate right now, unlike the dress which was, as he himself told her, very appropriate.

* * *

"This is very appropriate for church Amanda, it's great" he replied after she had asked if the dress was fine for the baptism, not that she's never been to church, but this was important to Liv and she tried to make a good impression.

"You look very beautiful" he smiled at her, she tried to give him a disapproving look but he could tell her cheeks got just a tad flushed, he wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't known her for such a long time.

And he knew very well she wasn't a fan of compliments even though he'd love to give her a few more right now, like the fact that beautiful was an understatement, she was absolutely gorgeous, with her hair down, light makeup, she had that spark in her eyes, the one that sent shivers down his spine and made him just a little bit weaker.

"So where are we going?" she asked "or are we going to just sit in your car?"

Nick chuckled, he appreciated the fact she was polite and didn't call him out on staring, cause he kinda was.

They were going on a date, staying away from the word like it was wildfire. Words had little meaning though, not saying it was a date didn't meant it wasn't. The two of them were dressed nice, he picked her up, they were going to dinner.

"Just dinner" Nick answered the questions "in that restaurant I told you about"

"How original" she smiled.

"You have a better idea?" he raised an eyebrow at her.

"I might"

"Where to?" he asked.

* * *

They drove for a while, Amanda gave him directions and finally they'd arrived.

"So where are we?" he parked the car.

"Come on" she walked out of the car and Nick followed her. He was having a hard time hiding a smile, not that it was a bad thing, but it could be weird if he'd walk around with a huge grin on his face for hours.

She lead him to a small diner, he'd never been there before but it looked nice. Amanda smiled at a waitress and they walked to a corner booth which was a little isolated and gave them some privacy.

"How do you know this place?" he asked after they were handed the menus.

"Well" she looked up at him "my meetings are not far from here and I came here a few times, I like it, it's kinda…homey"

"Oh" he wasn't sure what to say, they almost never talked about GA and he wanted to keep this not-a-date-date on the light side "so what's good here?"

"They have a great chocolate cake, but we'll have that for dessert, right now, I'd recommend the fried chicken"

They ordered and talked as they ate, talking about food and cooking, sharing stories, some of which were somewhat embarrassing, like how Nick gave himself and his mother food poisoning when he was about twelve and tried to surprise her.

"Some kids surprise their mothers with drawings or pasta jewelries, you made her sick" she shrugged and laughed.

"That was a crazy weekend, my sister tried to help her but she was young and just made things worse"

"Ok, let's not talk about that while we're eating" she said after calming down.

"You're the one who brought it up" he leaned back.

"I'm sorry for that, but at least now I know not to ask you to cook for me"

"I promise that when I cook for you I will not use anything rotten or bad" he promised.

"Then I accept the offer, it's a date" Amanda realized she used the D word and turned her attention to the almost completely empty plate in front of her. In this _thing_ they had there were some words they tried to stay away from, it was like a silent agreement between them. There was the D word, the R word and obviously the L word, a whole dictionary which was off limits.

"It's a date" he nodded, and Amanda couldn't deny that hearing him say made her feel better. Maybe they were ready to be grown up about this.

"Whatever you cook, it ain't gonna be better than the chocolate cake here"

They shared the cake and Nick had to agree, it was amazing. Half of the fun was looking at Amanda enjoying it, she was licking the spoon and Nick had to force himself to stop staring, she just looked so damn hot.

After they were done with dinner they strolled down the street, not going in any particular direction. They were walking close to each other and soon enough Nick's arm was around Amanda's waist, pulling her a little closer to him.

Neither Nick nor Amanda were sure what the conversation was about or if they were even talking, just being close to each other, away from everything else was perfect. They stopped by some building and looked at each other. This time Amanda wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest. For a moment it seemed like they were the only people in the world, like the hug made every complication disappear.

"We should get back" Nick unwillingly ruined the moment "we still have to get up early tomorrow, I need to be there before the ceremony"

Amanda pulled away and looked at him "come on Nick, you can be such a kiss ass"

"Yeah? Is that what you think?"

"Yep" she smirked and turned to walk back to the car.

"Just so you know" he rushed after her and then whispered in her ear, letting his hand slowly move to her lower back "yours is the only ass I want to kiss"

* * *

A few days later Nick was in Amanda's apartment, he walked out of the shower, a white towel wrapped around his waist. She was sitting on the couch, she was looking at the direction of the television but it didn't seem like she was focused on it, it looked like she was thinking about something.

"You ok?" he sat down next to her.

She nodded and smiled at him.

"Sure?" he moved closer to her and placed his hand on her knee.

"I'm just thinking about Cragen, it was kind of weird to see him" she confessed.

"Why? You got along with him"

"Yes, but…" she leaned back "it's just that I'm thinking about a conversation we had, after I told him about the gambling" Nick kept on looking at her "he said that I get one chance, that I can't mess up again or I'm out, and I ended up…messing up real bad, if he was still the captain…"

It took Nick a moment to reply. He had to think about what he wanted to say, he knew it's been tough on her, but he also knew she's been working hard to stay away from gambling.

"Amanda" he reached for her hand and she liked the way he held it "you deserved a second chance, and I'm sure he would have given it to you. Everyone has something, I should know, but I'm getting through it, with your help" she gave him a shy smile and he continued "I get that it's not easy, and I'm here for you, for the good parts and the bad ones, ok? I know the meetings help but you can also talk to me when it gets hard and I promise to be there, always. I love you"

For a moment Amanda was shocked by the use of the L word, but then her lips curved into a smile, it felt good to hear him say it and she felt exactly the same.

No matter what anyone would say or not say, this was definitely a relationship.


	19. Parents' Nightmare

_Technically the first missing scene I wrote was for the first episode of the season, it's a separate fic and I called it 'not so simple' in hindsight it is very appropriate for Rollaro._

_Now we have just one more…and I promise that however this season ends, I will do my best to write a good missing scene. I do hope Nick doesn't die, cause that's gonna make it hard. _

_If he does die (or leave) Benson will probably stay the sergeant cause if Fin doesn't want it I don't see Amanda or Carisi taking the exam._

_Whenever Amanda is out of an episode it's automatically worse, I miss her character more than any other, at last she was gone for 3 episodes and not more. I didn't want to choose the route of Amanda being sick (already used that excuse for Nick once), maybe she was in LA looking for a place for the two of them ;-) not yet…_

_But Nick speaking Spanish is always a bonus – best thing in this episode._

* * *

**Parents' Nightmare**

* * *

Nick opened the door and let Amanda walk into his apartment.

"Hey, you alright?" he asked, she walked by him looking angry.

"Yeah" she let go of Frannie's leash and took it off of the dog, who was excited to see Nick and he felt the same about her.

"What happened?" he petted Frannie and raised his eyes at Amanda. She's been in court for the last few days, testifying on a big case she was lead on. While they were searching for the boy and later trying to find out who was really behind the abduction, Amanda was spending the days in the courtroom, getting frustrated.

"Remember how I told you about that guy who's been replacing Barba while he's in Saint Barths?" Nick nodded, Barba called Benson to talk about the case, but someone still had to appear for the trial. Amanda didn't like that guy, he was in over his head, this was one of his first cases, and it was a big one.

"So after lunch…" she walked to the kitchen and took out a bowl for Frannie. Nick liked how she felt comfortable in his place, she was walking around like she's been living there. The thought made him smile, Amanda living with him…

"Are you listening?" she asked and he nodded even though the thought about them living together distracted him "I go up to the stand and he lost his notes…I am sitting there and everyone are staring at him looking for them, taking everything out of the briefcase…it would have been funny if we weren't in the middle of a freaking trial" she rolled her eyes "it's been few days already and he needs me there all of the time, I could have helped you with the case"

"With all the perps around you'd think the parents will want to do right by their children" he said and walked closer to her.

Amanda placed the full bowl on the floor for Frannie "yeah, you'd think that…" she was lost in thoughts for a moment, and Nick wondered if she was thinking about her parents, they sure didn't do anything for her. He watched as she petted Frannie before leaving her alone so she could drink.

"Oh" she stood up and looked at him "Fin told me about the sergeant exam"

"Said he doesn't want the headache" Nick nodded.

Amanda walked to the fridge and took out some food, Nick had some leftovers from his mom and she was hungry "I wonder who they will bring, I mean can you see Carisi as our sergeant or me…Liv's gonna love that" she chuckled but then gave Nick a serious look "you want to take the exam, don't you?"

She gave up on heating the food and walked to him, leaving just a small gap between them.

"You do, don't you?"

"I'm thinking about it" he shrugged "we both know that professionally this hasn't been the best time for me and something like that…and the money's better"

She smiled at him and he leaned in for a quick kiss, something he's been wanting to do from the moment she walked in.

"What do you think?" he asked "honestly"

"I think" she gave him another kiss "you will be a good sergeant"

"Yeah?" he raised his brow and she nodded with a wide grin "let's eat something"

"Not yet" the only thing she was hungry for at the moment was Nick's lips and he had no problem with that. But they kept it mellow, letting their tongues dance a slow dance with each other, their fingers entwined, they could have stayed this was forever if it wasn't for Frannie's bark, she seemed to be hungry and not just thirsty. Pulling away they smiled at each other.

"Let's feed her and eat something ourselves" Nick rested his hand on her lower back and they returned to the kitchen.

After giving Frannie her food Nick didn't want to keep his distance so he wrapped his hands around her as she placed the box in the microwave.

"She's impatient, just like her mother" he whispered.

"Maybe, unlike her mother" she turned around, still in his arms "she doesn't like sleepovers"

"I have it from good authority she does" he smiled.

"Am I that authority?"

"Well, you are good" the microwave stopped and Nick let her go so she could get the food "this doesn't have to be just a sleepover…"

"What?" she placed the box of the counter.

"It's not going to be a sleepover if you more than sleep" he was trying to insinuate the moving idea, but she didn't seem to get it.

"We don't just sleep…"

"No we don't" he agreed "but that's not what I mean"

"Then maybe you should just say it" her voice was a tad sarcastic.

"Sometimes I think we should move in together" he let it out,

Amanda stopped moving and stared at the counter for a moment and Nick regretted asking, maybe this was premature.

"How would that work?" she looked up from the marble "I mean…" she stepped away from the food "keeping this a secret at work has been hard as it is, Carisi's been suspicious from the start when he saw us at that cabana…and Fin kinda knows…so what is your plan?"

She was right, he didn't have a plan, this was the first time he actually thought about it, but it made him smile, it made him excited, maybe this wasn't wrong, maybe this wasn't a bad idea.

"We are not even supposed to be doing whatever we are doing now and when you pass the sergeant exam…" she raised one shoulder, a relationship with her superior was not a good idea.

"You're right" he said, walking to her "I don't know what we're doing or what we are going to do" he stopped in front of her "but when you came here today I realized I don't want you to leave" he caressed her shoulder "maybe we could find a solution to the other things together, figure out a way to be together because I don't want to give up on us"

Nick wasn't usually open about his feelings, he thought that it would be easier if things stay locked up, that way you can ignore them like they do not exist. But this is how he ended up divorced, how he lost custody. He wasn't going to make the same mistake again.

"We will be fine" he said "I love you"


	20. Surrendering Noah

_The last missing scene… but first, the mother of all rants (I tried to keep it short)._

_This season had been disappointing and frustrating, here's what I thought about the characters this season:_

_Benson – the Noah storyline was too much. I'm glad she has a kid but the why do they have to push him into every storyline? It was boring and added nothing. It was like he was supposed to be the star this season (and I guess they don't have to pay the babies as much as they do to the regular cast so that's a problem solved). It's sad that a character I used to care about had nothing interesting this season, I just felt like they said 'Olivia's a mom – that's all we will write for her', I know she's the star and I know she's been on the show since day one but I didn't care about her this season at all. She was the main character in seasons 13-15 too but I didn't feel like anyone was missing, like anyone had a worse storyline, and we also had Munch and Cragen._

_Fin – speaking of people who've been on the show for a long time. Where was Fin this season? He's on SVU since season 2, he's such a great character and the only thing we've learned about him this season is that he likes video games! Wow, I did not see that coming! No mention of his son, nothing. He was barely on and it's such a shame. _

_Carisi –He's just kinda there…he doesn't really add or take anything away._

_Nick - he's the one I'm most disappointed about, Danny is a great actor and clearly did the best he could, but even when he did get something (the thing with his dad) it lead nowhere. I feel like he was busy sucking up to Olivia most of the time. In the previous seasons Nick actually did things, it seemed like he almost had no personality this season and if I didn't "know" him from season 13-15 I would probably dislike him. In the earlier seasons they made him out to be someone who notices people (he knew Amanda was back to gambling before anyone else noticed) and cares. But this season we maybe got a glimpse or two. _

_Amanda – she is the only good thing in this season in my opinion, I think she really helped everyone shine; her banter with Carisi, her friendship with Fin (not nearly enough, they are great partners) and with Nick- well that deserves a whole paragraph. I love that Amanda isn't perfect, she has a lot of issues, but she's trying to work on it, she isn't perfect and that's how you make an interesting character. I do hope she has better storylines ahead. _

_Rollaro- from the first episode I knew the writers had no plan for them, probably thought it would add some drama to season 15 but then they realized they don't know what do with it. It was a yoyo relationship, when the writers want them to be together- they are, the next day – they are not. I would respect it if there was a normal breakup storyline. But it was just a game – played with the viewers. Are we supposed to believe after Amanda's been there for him, called Munch (I don't think he know about the blackmail) he would just not talk to her for a few months? As fans we made up our excuses – but come on. But then they are magically back together. The episode of the bar fight started with Nick being a jerk – Amanda's trying to help him and he gets angry 'how about you don't tell me what to do…' and then when they are talking about the leaked pictures Fin found he's blaming the victims…and I'm not justifying Amanda's actions, but Nick had to be blind not to see there's something going on. And again, are we supposed to believe they weren't really speaking to each other till that deleted scene? And I'm sure more people said nasty things about Amanda for pushing him than about Nick when he beat up Maria's friend (in one of the earlier seasons) for no reason. Rollaro had so much potential, it could be written in a much better way, but who has the time for that when Noah needs more screen time._

_This episode was so boring! I read all the interviews and was waiting for the exciting parts but there were none, even Nick being shot was like an afterthought. I don't understand why they didn't spread the thing with Nick's sergeant exam throughout the season? It had potential but the entire season had potential and ended up a disappointment so why am I surprised. _

_I'm not going to watch season 17, nothing to do with Rollins or Amaro. I won't watch it even if there was a Rollaro wedding. But I am glad Nick's not dead, moving to California should have been his first choice anyway, he is always saying how important family is to him._

_But I do have to say…someone was shot in the leg and a move to California…looks like my other fic is almost happening… _

* * *

_After all of this I want to thank you all, everyone who took the time to read this fic and waited for it. Honestly, this was the only reason I kept on watching. I am using the term 'watching' lightly cause there were parts I skipped (and a lot of them). I really enjoyed writing this. Sure, I had to be creative (or delusional) sometimes, especially when Nick and Amanda didn't even talk to each other or weren't even there (one of the biggest crimes this season). _

_So thanks for all of your rants and encouragement. _

_In preparation to this episode I've written some ideas before watching, I'm glad I don't have to use some of them._

_I hope you'll love the last missing scene, going to be a long one. _

* * *

**Surrendering Noah**

* * *

He was slipping in and out of consciousness, every time he closed his eyes somebody appeared in front of him. He saw his mother and sister, Cynthia, Maria, Zara and Gil. People in his life that he had hurt or let down in one way or another. They were all floating by without speaking one word but they reminded him of all of his mistakes, everything he didn't want to be.

He wanted to keep his family together but he was now divorced and his kids were far away. He wanted to be different from his father, but how many times had he hit someone, deserving or not.

He tried to focus on the siren and on Amanda's voice, was she really there or was it just his imagination? But his eyes were getting heavy and it was hard and he allowed his body to close them.

Through the darkness he could still feel something, she appeared out of nowhere, wearing that green shirt, her hair in a side ponytail and they shook hands. The first time they'd met. That argument they had in the park…it was like their entire history was passing in front of him…the moment she got shot and his heart dropped – was she feeling the same now?

He saw their first time together, saw them lying in her bed unsure of what to say but not feeling like it was wrong. That image of them in the school appeared, she touched his pinky for just a second to reassure him everything will be alright, and how he ran to her after the gun shot and wanted so much to hold her.

But after that the fight they had appeared, how he couldn't see through it, how they'd hurt each other.

And then that night, after his father's trial, Nick was in a gloomy mood after arguing with both his sister and his mother. He was sitting with a bottle of beer on the steps in front of his house, not feeling like being inside despite the cold weather.

He was staring at nothing, really not wanting to think about anything.

"Got another one?" he heard a familiar voice and turned to see Amanda.

"Hey…" he stood up, surprised to see her "how you've been?"

Amanda shrugged and walked over to sit down next to him "can I have some?"

Nick handed her the bottle and sat down, he looked at her as she took a couple of sips.

He wasn't sure what to say, she's been in Costa Rica for the last few weeks.

"How…"

"How…" they both started and then smiled at each other, Nick gestured at her so she would go first.

"So your father…" she gave him the bottle and he nodded before drinking from it.

"Yeah…that was…not fun" he chuckled.

"I'm sorry" she gave him a concerned look.

Nick took a deep breath, first thing she does after coming back from her time off is to check up on him. He took another sip and passed her the beer.

"You enjoyed Costa Rica?" he changed the subject.

Amanda looked away "yeah, it was relaxing, did some yoga"

"Yoga? I thought you preferred running"

"It's fun, you should try it" she raised the bottle to her lips.

"I don't think that's my thing"

"Too calming for you?" she raised her brows.

Nick reached for the bottle and his fingers touched hers, he didn't take the beer away and they sat there like that for a minute or two.

"Must have been not easy to testify" she moved her hand and placed the beer on the concrete.

"Not like it changed anything, unless you count my sister not talking to me"

"You regret it?" she asked.

"No, but…" he shrugged "what was the point?"

"You stood up to him, that means something"

Nick took the bottle, there was almost no liquid left and he emptied it in one sip. Yes, he told the truth in court but his father was free, he wasn't going to change. It didn't make Nick feel better. But Amanda didn't even get that, the judge didn't allow her to testify.

He was still holding the bottle, playing with it.

"It was important" she said.

"I'm sorry about how it worked out for you" he looked at her.

"Don't be" she shook her head "it's fine, really"

"Yeah? Yoga helped you move on?"

Amanda shrugged and it felt like she was keeping something from him, like there was more to the yoga thing.

"No?" he asked and she gave him a somewhat mischievous smile.

"You read my statement?" she looked away.

Nick nodded, he had most of it figured out even before reading it, but the statement revealed the full story "You to know this doesn't change anything about the way I see you"

"I know" she gave him a faint smile, seemed like she's been trying to decide whether telling him that secret she's been hiding was a good idea, he wondered if it had anything to do with Costa Rica.

"How about we share another beer?" she smiled at him.

"Want to go inside? It's getting cold" Amanda nodded and they both stood up.

Nick opened the door for her and she walked in to the house. They spent most of the night talking, until they fell asleep on Nick's couch with her head on his shoulder and his arm around her. That night changed things, talking about everything meant clearing the air, it meant letting go of the past, forgiving and moving on. There was hope.

It was the last picture on Nick's mind before the paramedics opened the ambulance's door to roll the gurney into the ER, he was able to touch her hand for a second and then she was far away.

* * *

When Amanda was three years old her father brought her a gold fish. He never explained where he'd gotten it from, just handed her a plastic bag with the fish swimming in it. Her eyes beamed when she held the bag in her small hands, she never had a pet.

"Is he mine?" she asked.

"He is" her dad nodded and ruffled her short blond hair "you get to name him"

"Kevin!" she looked up at her dad.

"Kevin?" he gave her a questioning look, but he didn't really care about a fish's name.

"Yes!" Amanda insisted "his name is Kevin"

Amanda's mother gave her a glass bowl and she stared at Kevin swimming around in his new home for almost an hour, tapping on the glass once in a while "do you think he's hungry daddy?"

"I don't know Mandy, we'll go buy him food tomorrow, ok?"

"Ok" she turned her attention back to the fish, it seemed to her like he was looking straight at her so she gave him the widest smile, exposing a few missing teeth "I love you Kevin" she whispered to him. She carefully carried the bowl to her bedroom when it was time for sleep, excited to see him again in the morning.

Amanda jumped out of the bed the moment she opened her eyes, she rushed to the table where the bowl was placed to greet her pet but Kevin wasn't there. She looked at the water as if he would suddenly appear, but then she looked down and saw him. He was on the floor, not moving.

"Daddy!" she screamed "Mommy!" Amanda ran to their bedroom, they were still asleep so she shook her father's shoulder "Dad, dad!"

"What?" he didn't move.

"Something happened to Kevin" she said.

"What's going on?" Amanda's mom asked.

"Mommy" she ran to the other side of the bed "it's Kevin"

"Oh crap…fine" her father got up and she took his hand, dragging him to her room.

"Look" she pointed at the fish.

"Oh" he said "he's dead Mandy"

"Dead?" she had no idea what it meant "but he will be fine, right daddy?" she looked up at him with a sad look in her eyes.

"No Mandy, he's dead...that means he's gone and never coming back"

"But he's here dad, he's not away" she was about to reach for the fish.

"Don't touch it!" he pulled her back "we need to throw him away"

"Why?"

"Because, he is dead" he was a little irritated, he was still tired and didn't appreciate the early wake up call "when someone dies he doesn't exist anymore"

"But I can see Kevin"

"Look Mandy" he kneeled down in front of his daughter "his body is here but he isn't really here...because his...soul is somewhere else...it's the thing that makes him move, swim, breath"

"Where is it?"

This was not a conversation he planned on having with her "in heaven" he said.

"Can we go get it back? I want Kevin to be with me!"

"No one knows where heaven is honey" he caressed her head "and no one comes back from there"

"Why?"

"I don't know Mandy, why don't you go watch cartoons and I'll take care of Kevin, ok?"

Amanda was still confused, how comes her dad didn't know how to get somewhere? He had a map in the car, can't he look up heaven in it? She walked to the living room and turned on the television. Her father came out of her room and walked into the kitchen, he threw the fish in the bin and washed his hands.

The bowl was still in her bedroom and Amanda took it and poured out the water into the bath tub. She still wasn't sure about this 'dead' thing, how could Kevin be there and then not? How could he be _dead_ when she loved him? Amanda crawled into bed with the bowl, she held it close and started crying.

She had to fight the tears now, Nick wasn't dead, he wasn't going anywhere, so why did she feel so helpless? Seeing him lying on that gurney, it wasn't meant to end like this, she loved him, he was not going to die.

* * *

Amanda was sitting by Nick's bed, it was late and everyone else had left. He'd woken up after the surgery and had many visitors, she felt so relieved he was out of it but a part of her just couldn't face him, she knew if he'd smile at her she would lose it and cry in front of everyone.

"Let's get out of here" Fin called her "he's not going anywhere and we deserve it"

Fin bought her a cup of coffee and they sat on a bench outside of the hospital.

"You know, this is why it's forbidden" he went straight to the point, she still gave him a puzzled look "this thing you two are having or not having, I'm not following anymore"

Amanda looked at the ground and smiled.

"You know that" he said.

"I thought you didn't want to be a sergeant, deal with all of…that"

"It's about my friend, my partner"

"Well I…" was she going to tell Fin she loves Nick?

"You know I'm no expert but whatever happens, things can't go on this way"

Amanda nodded, she knew Fin was right and he was probably one of the only people who really cared about her, they had to make a choice.

She looked at Nick's sleeping face and carefully took his hand in hers and he stirred a little.

"Amanda?" he whispered after opening his eyes just a crack.

"I'm here, you'll be ok" she was so relieved to hear his voice she felt tears forming in her eyes, but they were alone so she didn't care about that.

"Good" he smiled and closed his eyes for a moment.

"You want me to get you water or anything?" she asked.

"Yeah, water" he tried to sit up but she stopped him.

"Lie down" she said and walked over to pour him a glass of water "here" she put a straw in it and placed it close to his mouth.

"Thank you" he said after drinking a bit.

"Nice job stealing Noah's thunder" she sat back down "this trial was about him, you know?"

"Were you worried?" he gave her a soft smile.

Amanda shrugged "maybe just a tiny bit"

"I see" he pretended to be insulted "me getting shot wasn't enough to scare you"

"But don't do that again, ok?" she warned.

"Pinky swear" he raised his hand a little.

He looked down at his leg, _it's going to take a long time_, that's what the doctor said, a lot of time to heal and to get back on his feet. Nick took a deep breath, what if it won't get better? What if…

"Nick?" Amanda covered his palm with hers and suddenly he knew that somehow it will work out.

* * *

He's been thinking about this for a while, even before he got shot. He had no future in the NYPD, why would they want him? He messed up so many times and now they have their opening, he's injured. They didn't want him and his career was the only thing keeping him in New York, right? Both of his kids were going to live in California so what was left for him there?

Of course he knew the answer, Amanda. She was staying, but he couldn't.

"What?" she noticed him staring at her, he seemed to be thinking about something a lot lately and it worried her because he kept it to himself. Nick hated being weak, needing help, but she was there for him anyway.

"Nothing" he placed the fork in his mouth, finishing his noodles.

"Come on Nick, what's going on?" she was patient with him, came by everyday to see how he's been doing, helped him out and it was good, she loved spending time with him, but she hated this silently overthinking Nick, she hated not knowing what was in his head.

"I'm moving to California" he placed the fork on his plate and looked at her, she didn't look so surprised "I've looked into it, I can retire now…I'm not moving anywhere in the NYPD and with my knee they will only force me out, at least that way I can…"

"Be with Zara and Gil" she nodded.

"Yeah" he waited for her to say something but she just grabbed the plates and placed them in the sink.

Nick grabbed the crutches and followed her to the kitchen.

"Amanda" he gently touched her shoulder.

"I knew that already" she turned to him "that day you told me about Gil moving to San Diego…I knew it won't be long until you leave…" she shrugged "I think you're making the right decision"

Her reaction surprised him, did she not want him to stay?

"I'm going to tell Liv tomorrow" he said.

"I'll pick you up like I said" she smiled but it didn't feel sincere "I should go"

Nick watched as she walked out of the house, he wanted to just ask her to stay but she was already gone.

* * *

She looked so beautiful when she knocked on his door the next day, he loved it when she let her hair be and desperately wanted to run his fingers in it.

He was up all night, tossing and turning was a hustle due to his knee, but he couldn't sleep. Nick couldn't take his mind off her. He wasn't even in California and already he missed her, wished she was there next to him.

"Wait" he said when she was about to open the door and step outside, they were parked by Olivia's building.

"You ok?" she gave him a concerned look, wondering if he was in pain.

"I don't want to leave without you" he said, her eyes widened in surprise "I know you said your life's perfect but…I'm going to selfishly hope it's not. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I've been thinking about this, I should have but I'm going to say it now and I don't have the right to do it but heck, I love you and…what if you come with me?"

"What?" she wasn't sure if she heard right.

"I know this is too much to ask, I can't ask you to leave everything behind but…"

Amanda chuckled "Nick I…" she had no idea what to say "there's nothing to leave but I…we…"

She didn't have to say it for him to understand, whatever was going on between them was always so unclear, why would she drop everything for that?

"I'm sorry" he said and reached for the door.

"Wait!" it was her turn to stop him, but she still couldn't come up with the right words, this wasn't a question you ask out of nowhere. But she didn't want to say no, this wasn't over.

They shared a drink for family with the rest of the squad and their eyes met, it was just a second, but it was enough to know, they were each other's family and whatever it takes, they will make it work.

* * *

**Somewhere down the road…**

* * *

Nick woke up to the sound of running water in the bathroom. He stretched a little in the bed and sat up when the water was turned off. The door opened a couple of minutes later and he watched as Amanda emerged, wrapped in a big towel, her hair was damp and he could smell the soap from there.

"Morning" she sat on the edge of the bed.

Nick grinned and moved over to her "good morning" he pushed her blonde locks to the side, exposing the back of her neck and softly kissed her right shoulder, slowly moving his mouth to the other side, she tilted her head, giving him easier access to her neck. She let out a moan when his tongue reached below her ear.

Nick's hand reached to her chin and turned her face to him so he could capture her mouth in a sizzling kiss. The second their tongues entwined he placed his left palm on her thigh on moved it up until he was between her legs. Amanda pulled away and gasped when his fingers reached the spot he'd been looking for but Nick's lips moved to nibble on her collar bone. His free hand loosened the towel, allowing it to fall, exposing her body.

He removed his hand and was a little pleased with himself when she let out a frustrated grunt.

"Come here" he whispered and pulled her on top of him before lying down on the sheet. He ran his fingers through the damp hair while her lips were against his.

Nick's hands traveled down, caressing her back and without interrupting the kiss he turned them around.

"Ah, Nick…" her voice shivered as his finger was back to rubbing her clit.

Nick smiled feeling her arms move to his lower body trying to remove the fabric between them. He loved how impatient she could get, not that it was easy for him, he couldn't wait to bury him self inside of her, feel those muscles clench around him, hear her pant in his ear as he moved faster and faster.

He couldn't wait any longer and this time she didn't protest when he got up to remove his boxers. She spread her legs and the only thing he could feel as he entered her was that incredible pleasure taking over him. He tried to move slow, not wanting this to end. But Amanda didn't seem to share the sentiment. She was begging him to move faster and harder and he couldn't deny her request, not when the plea was made with a voice full of desire. Her need drove him crazy and his thrusts were now frantic, eliciting heavy grunts from her lips, or maybe it was him making those sounds. He was completely unaware of anything at the moment, he forced himself to open his eyes, wanting to look at her face as she fell over the edge. She called his name again and it didn't take long for the orgasm to take over her sending Nick on the same path just a few seconds later.

Nick collapsed on top of her, breathing hard but he turned to his back and pulled her closer, not ready to let go of her skin. Amanda placed soft kisses wherever she could reach without having to move.

"Good morning indeed" she mumbled against his chest.

"We are going to be late for the wedding" he caressed her forehead as she moved up to kiss his lips.

"Now you're worried about it" she grinned at him.

"Didn't hear you complain" he kissed her again.

"I didn't make any"

"We better get up and take a shower" he raised his brow "together"

"Oh, I see" she moved away "this was your plan all along"

"Yes" he wrapped his arms around her "an elaborated plan to have my way with you in the shower"

"Well if we don't want to be late…" she turned to look at him "tell me, what's the next part of this plan?"

"How about I show you?" he got up and carried her to the shower.

* * *

"You got a little teary eyed there Munch?" Amanda smiled at her former coworker.

"It was a beautiful ceremony" he said "what can I say, I was moved"

"Oh…" she laughed "didn't know you're such a sensitive guy"

"I'd say California has a bad influence on you, but I know you better, you were always cheeky" he winked "how's the captain doing?"

"He sends his regards, I really owe you for putting in a good word"

"Just call your first born John, that's all I ask" he laughed.

"John! Amanda!" they heard someone call and turned to look at the man walking towards them

"Congratulation Ken" she gave Fin's son a hug.

"Mazal tov kid" Munch hugged him too.

"Thank you so much for coming" he said.

"Of course and I'm glad to see Alejandro's father showed up" Amanda spotted Ken's now father in law not too far away.

"Yeah, he came around, mostly thanks to my dad"

"That's great" Munch smiled.

"We missed you at Christmas dinner this year" Ken turned to Amanda.

Munch chuckled "Amanda now has someone else to spend the holidays with, far away from New York" he saw Nick walking in their direction holding two Champagne glasses "speak of the devil…" Munch smiled.

"What?" Nick handed Amanda one of the drinks.

"Congratulation Ken" he shook the young man's hand.

"Thank you, I should go mingle, have fun guys" he walked away.

Amanda took a sip of the Champagne and Nick wrapped his right arm around her waist, pulling her closer.

"So what about you two?" Munch asked "are there wedding bells for Rollins-Amaro any time soon?"

The question caught Amanda off guard and she coughed uncomfortably "we are very happy with the way things are now"

"That's a shame, I was really looking forward to a visit in L.A" it was clear to him something had changed about them. He witnessed some of the events they've been through in the past years but now they seemed to be in peace and he knew it had almost everything to do with them being together.

He couldn't say it was a surprise, he noticed glimpses of it when he was still working in SVU, and when Amanda called him to help Nick after the arrest he knew something was going on. He was happy for them, they deserved that.

"Wanna dance?" Nick offered, Amanda gave him a questioning look but then took the glass from him and placed it on a nearby table next to hers.

"Talk to you later" Nick nodded at Munch and grabbed Amanda's hand as they made their way to the dance floor.

A slow song came on and she placed her hands behind his neck while he rested his arms around her lower back. Nick pulled her a little closer and they smiled at each other as they swayed to the rhythm.

He leaned forward and whispered something in her ear.

He had no regrets about leaving New York. They both needed a fresh start and he loved their life in California, they were never happier.

* * *

**The end**


End file.
